Live The Moment

... depressed a bit...

2012-01-14T11:35:00.000+08:00

I was okay this morning. Even woke up with "pumped" spirit to go to the office on a Saturday which is a very rare thing for me to do. Was looking forward to finish my tasks .... till I saw my friends cycling and all of a sudden that pumped up spirit was gone, leaving me depressed and unable to focus.

My group (cycling club) would usually go cycling during the weekend which starts at 7 am and Wednesday night is cycling night. So far, this year I've only gone to night cycling. I was on my way to the office when I saw my friends ... wah punya syiok dorang cycling. Regretted that I chose to go to the office instead... after all, it is weekend and I the tasks can still be done on Monday. In case one is wondering what am I doing ranting during my overtime, well, this is more of clearing some stuffs, it will be an unpaid OT anyway which I don't really mind the unpaid part but that I had to miss cycling which I like doing 10,000 times more. Arghh!!! Why oh why oh why??? If only I didn't see them cycling, then I have been happily doing what I intended to do.

When I saw them pedalling away, I could imagine myself trying to catch up with them, probably getting cramps in some part of my legs, probably wishing the sun would hide behind the clouds, probably wishing my internal organs work two times harder to get more oxygen and the blood flowing, probably planning on getting my bicycle upgraded, probably wishing I had more stamina and speed .......... yadda yadda yadda .... but I always know that it is worth all the pain, the cramps, the sunburn.

I wanted to make myself feeling better by telling myself that I could go cycling in the evening but NO! I am so used to cycling in group that I am having a hard time motivating myself to go cycling alone. Cycling alone is just no fun. Besides, one would be willing to put in extra effort when cycling in group. There are also safety and strength in group. We'd usually cover over 20km but I if were to ride that distance ALONE, I don't think I could last for even 10km.

So, I am like a zombie now ... wandering from workstation to another workstation, room to another room because I am feeling down. I am physically here but part of me is "cycling" with my friends. I need to let that negativity out of my system. Ahhh feeling better already.

I suppose, here's another happy thought. Next Saturday, we'll be cycling for a total distance of 57km around Labuan. Oh and there's Wednesday night to look forward to. Must go for a jog next week to prepare myself for next Saturday. Yeah!!

OK, I have to stop now and start doing what I was supposed to do.

Old passion, can i call it a new addiction?

2011-10-25T17:37:00.000+08:00

Looking back at this post three years ago made me realize how wrong I was when I mentioned that I didn't have to know about the bike in order to use it. Dead wrong! Ever since I owned my second bike, a Canondale, which I bought from my colleague, I have picked up quite a lot of pointers from my cycling group with regards to the bike's parts to cycling techniques. I am happy to say that for my personal achievements this year, which, for some people may not count a lot, but for me, they are very meaningful and huge "achievements".

I first bought a bike in August 1996, the first month I was in the USA. All my housemates bought their bikes so I followed. Initially we cycled to go to our campus everyday. And back from our campus, we cycled again, exploring the neighborhood. Back then, there was only 5 gears if my memory served me right. Then when the weather got colder, the cycling activities began to get lesser. Came winter time, we totally stopped cycling. And another factor contributing to the end of my cycling routine was my inexperience in handling the bike which resulted in me falling from my bike a lot of times. Thankfully no serious injuries. Just a few scraps here and there.

So technically, the bike I bought 3 years ago is my second one, which I no longer use. Need to send it for repair but I don't think it is up-gradable. Which means, the one I am using is my third one. I bought it about two months ago and it has been my good friend. Three years back I was overwhelmed by the MTB's "anatomy" that I felt so useless because friends explained them to me yet my mind couldn't grasp what they were talking about. But gradually as I regularly go cycling with the cycling club members or what I call the Besklab gang, I began to remember bits by bits what they have mentioned and understood what I didn't understand then.

For almost three years, my second bike remained idle. I just had no motivation to go cycling. Then I was asked to join cycling activity earlier this year and by then my bike needs a lot of repairing job done in order for me to use it so my colleague let me borrow his bike. Really liked it and even thought of buying it. What I like the most was the saddle. Unfortunately it was too high for me and according to a colleague, it not good for health and for safety. So when I returned the bike, my cycling activity went into idle phase again. And then another colleague wanted to sell his bike and he let me use it for more than a month to give me time to think whether to buy it or a new one.

I had a lot of "should I or should I not" decisions to make. Should I buy another one? Should I buy a used or new one? Should I buy a branded (famous) or not branded one? I finally made up my mind and bought my colleague's bike. I was actually the last lady in our cycling group to get a bike.

And so the weekend cycling activities became regular activities. It was hard at first but experience is always the best teacher. When you experience it yourself then whatever people have been telling you will seep into your mind and you'll go "ooooh so this was what so and so was talking about".

For our weekend activities, we would always meet at our regular meeting place at 7 am and from there we cycled at our regular route which is about 20km. My first cycling out of Labuan was during Malaysia day which coincided with the Sukan Pedalaman KKM. September 16th, four of us went to Menumbok by speed boat. Our leader was already waiting for us in Menumbok. The plan was to cycle from Menumbok to Kuala Penyu via different route and from Kuala Penyu to Membakut the next day.

Because of the Public Holiday, we arrived in Menumbok much later than planned ... long lines of people "catching" the speed boat to Menumbok and we thought we were early. Hence we started cycling late...almost noon around 11.30 or was it 10.30 am. Anyway, beautiful scenery along the way. Didn't take a lot of pictures though.

Our bikes

Jalan teda tar.

This place is really, really beautiful. My BB didn't do a good job capturing the scenery. It waaaaaaaaaaay more breathtaking. One has to be there to appreciate it. I was thanking the Lord all the way.

Hmmm.....there is a great need to do 100 crunches and reverse crunches...

Balik kampung oh oh oh balik kampung oh oh oh balik kampung .... naik mountain bike...lalalalaaaa

The plan was not to cycle all the way to Kuala Penyu. Rather, it was time based, which meant that at 3 pm wherever we were, we would stop and continue our journey to Kuala Penyu with us in the double cab vehicle. We had a number of rests in between and since it was Friday, we stopped at a kedai runcit for the others to go for their Friday prayers. We cycled about 30km with eight uphills (and downhills of course) and stopped at a warung to fill our growling tummies and "packed" our bikes. I hadn't (and up till now, still haven't) found the "right technique" to cycle uphill so each time I went uphill, I would feel a lump hardening on each upper leg. I was told that the best practice would be to not change gear in the middle of cycling uphill but NO I keep on doing that.

The next day...from Kuala Penyu town ...

All ready to sweat..

On board the ferry from Kuala Penyu town to the other side of Kuala Penyu..

Rest at Binsuluk....see the coconut? One word! Super-yummy-licious!

The destination where we packed our bikes, filled our stomach and ready to go to Menumbok.

Notice .....

that someone...

had the same pose...well almost.

Had durian on the way back to Menumbok. Even bought for the ones at home (well, actually more for yours truly). Poor "speedboat-mates"...some durian haters had to endure the heavenly durian smell for half an hour. Pretended to look the other way and saw from the corners of my eyes, the grimace of a certain passenger. Poor man.

Back at home, was supposed to go to a friend's Raya open house but was too tired to get up.

Distance covered: first day 30km, second day 36km. For the second day, speed was between 20 - 25km/hr.

missing someone...

2011-06-23T07:58:00.002+08:00

Looking through pictures of yesteryear brought warm feeling. Nostalgia...suddenly missing an old friend. Really miss her.

Mini biggest loser contestant?

2011-06-17T15:33:00.002+08:00

Just had my weight and body fat assessed today and the weighing scale was being nice to me and showed 60.5kg. But the body fat analyzer was being even nicer to me as it showed 60kg, body fat 30.7%. Hmm...so which one should I "believe"? My BMI is 25.51. Still overweight but I could fit into size M t'shirt and several aunts have commented about me having shrank in size since the last time they saw me.

Despite (emm I do admit numerous) comments on me having lost some kilos, I am still unconvinced that I have managed to shed off some fats. What with the crazy weighing scale at home that could get your heart drop at the sight of where the "needle" pointed at. My mom's weighing scale loves me *smiles*. Mom said it's accurate because she said she had a 5kg whatchamacallit weighed on her office's scale and the scale showed 4kg and she said she is lighter by 1kg when she weighs herself using her's office scale compared to the scale at home. Which means her scale is accurate (but so tricky at times...penat kasi adjust). I was out-stationed to KK last week and had my weigh-in on mom's scale (I'll just call it Scaleeeboo) and how I love thee Scaleeeboo for you really now how to lift my mood up. It pointed to 58kg. Back home the next day, I weighed myself and it showed 60kg. The next day it went to 64kg and stayed that way for a few days. Strangely, Dave's weight was also 4kg extra. Despite having adjusted it, the 4kg extra was still there. How on earth did I gain 4 kg in just one day?

Last December, all staffs were weighed and back then I was 66.4kg. Which means, to date I have lost 5.9kg. As my (unofficial) gym trainer told me I could've lost more if I went to the gym religiously and if I took care of my eating plan. I've stopped going to the gym. Started cycling again but now had to stop because I had to return my colleague's MTB. My own bike which I bought 3 years ago is damn "heavy" and I got tired easily. My colleague's bike renewed my interest in cycling. Alas! He needs it back. Still indecisive whether to buy another colleague's bike or to buy a new one. On and off to aerobics classes.

My only exercise everyday now is what I call "tu-tura". It involves lying down with head and knees bent forming about 100-130 degree angle. With knees bent, lift both legs (straight) , something like doing leg curls only with the help of either Darien or Preston plopped on my lower legs as the added weight. They're enjoying it so much that it has become a form of daily enjoyment activity for them.

Anyway, we're having the "Sihat, Anggun dan Unggul" program tomorrow. Have very little idea about the details but I know there would be some talks, awareness program and "senam robik". Someone told me that the main target is for the "contestants" to lose 5 to 10% of their body weight in six months. Sounds a bit like the biggest loser program isn't it? Only that there'll be no elimination. There'll be monthly weigh in and those who manage to lose weight in that month will have their name announced during the monthly assembly HAHAHAA. And I suppose the biggest loser will get a hamper at the end of the six month program.

I have 5 kg more to lose. I'll be happier if I reach 55kg. The gym trainer suggested for me to go for 48kg .... or was it 45kg? WHOAA!!! When was the last time I weighed below 50kg? As far as I could remember, the lightest I had ever been post secondary school days was 52kg. Looking at my photos during Uni days at THAT weight ... Wow! I was skinny back then... um well...ok, maybe not skinny but I was thin...errr...maybe thin is not the right word eh. Let's just say that I was OK. I said to Dave that if I ever reach below 50kg with toned body (especially the arm area), I'm going to have a haircut...not the usual trim-the-split-end type of haircut. I'm going to have a short, bob, layered cut HAHAHAHA!!

Grrrrr!!!!

2011-04-01T18:50:00.000+08:00

Isn't it annoying when you've received NO calls, or SMS'es or email from certain people claiming to have been looking for you (for God knows how long) and also claiming that they couldn't get to you when everyone else could get to you? Hmm......makes one's blood boils. Don't say that it's hard to "find" someone when there's not even an ounce of evidence of you trying to make contact with that someone, that is you don't call, you don't SMS or you don't physically go to that person's place. Have you even searched at the right place? What are you....a ghost? Grrr!!! Some people are quick to jump into conclusion.

Overwhelming...

2011-03-17T06:18:00.001+08:00

Yikes! There are just too many terms and short forms, I am overwhelmed with all those workout terms. After some online reading I think I am not doing my workout right ai yai yai yai yai. I am always set to complete any sets just for the sake of completing the sets and I realized that I may have been doing them wrong. I've been told a few times that I didn't do the routines the way they should be done and I didn't even realize that I was doing them wrongly. Well, there is only 1 person manning the gym so he can't really focus on everyone individually for every sets of the workout routine. This is not a fitness center that has a number of trainers.

Too much info stuffed in my mind right now. I should change my workout routine but I don't even know where to begin. I am in need of a personal trainer. I mean you can't just walk in any gym and try your hands on all of the equipment there, right? Oh what a bummer. Really need someone to guide me. Can't just depend on my online reading alone. Will have to read them slowly and not to open so many tabs and attempt to "digest" them all.

More than half a kilo is A OKAY...

2011-03-16T19:59:00.000+08:00

I've added another routine in my workout which is doing the lunges after the stepping box and I am feeling the effect now. Not complaining though because I know what the routine would later do to those stubborn fats. I couldn't complete the sit up sets yet. Each time I did I felt like there big tight knot being tied in the inside of my tummy that I had to stop.

I must be doing something right. I weighed myself yesterday and the scale showed 62kg. I've lost 0.7kg or 1.5 pounds since last week. And I am happy to see the progress. What works is a change in my eating plan combined with exercise.

These are what the gym trainer suggested for my eating plans:

Breakfast -

sugar-free lemon tea (or what I call as lemon teh kosong)
with one piece of bread (butter, peanut butter, kaya and all are definite NO NO).

In between snacks - green apple

Lunch -

steamed vege and fish
4 spoons of rice

In between snacks - one piece of bread

Dinner -

steamed vege and fish
4 spoons of rice

And most importantly, you need DISCIPLINE and COMMITMENT. After trying on quite a number of weight loss products and watching The Biggest Loser (the US, Asia and Australia) shows, this is what I can attest to and that is your eating plan and exercise go together. Yes, there are products that are claimed to help you lose weight in a short time but will the weight loss last? I've seen and read too many examples of such "yo-yo cases" which include myself and I must say that what you lose fast, you MAY gain them back faster.

There's no short cut really. Battling the bulges is a long journey, some may take a longer one but throughout the journey you would pick up lessons and you would discover what works best for you. When I first started hitting the gym which was on January 10, I didn't really believe that I could lose weight (even mentioned that I gained weight in my previous post). A month later I saw a drop in where the scale pointed to. Then, Dave transferred to KK and my gym routine stopped for about three weeks. I wanted to go to the gym last week but I was feeling lethargic and in a low spirit the whole week. I did go to the botanical garden with Jayden, supposedly to jog but I ended up sitting by the pond feeling blue.

I was very, very down and that led me to googling online forum to see if anybody else was experiencing what I was experiencing and just knowing that I was (and am) not alone and that there are others who are in the same boat with me lifted me up. Then I started to find the cause and retrace my steps (what I did, what I ate) and found that lack of carbo can cause low mood and a stop in my exercise routine further aggravated it. I guess I was in transition at that time. My system was probably adjusting to my new eating plan.

My daily eating plan are these :-

Upon waking up - at least a glass of warm water
Breakfast - cereal or oat cookies with non-sugared beverage - usually, tea sans sugar (but I do allow myself a cup of cappucino on some days)
Snacks - fruit or a handful of cereal
Lunch - small amount of rice, veges and fish
Dinner - I make sure I have green leafy veges in the menu, more and more veges

and also LOTS and LOTS of plain water. I drink warm water (the warmest that my tongue can stand) when I workout. It helps me sweat faster.

The gym trainer said to eliminate oil in my menu but cooking rebus-rebus is not my specialty (aiseh). In short, I'd eat rebus-rebus meal if others cook it. For lunch, I tapau from our canteen and all the foods have oil in them but I choose the ones that don't have the greasy look in them. Once a week I do allow myself to indulge in foods that I normally would stay away from.

When I asked the gym trainer how much weight I could lose by following the eating plan that he suggested, he said 5 - 7 kg. And I was thinking, WHAT? A decade ago, I lose 8kg in over a year. And that was going to the gym every day and hill climbing every weekend. Other people may get to lose those amount of kilos but not me. But now, I do believe that anybody can achieve that, provided that one works hard for it. To work hard for it, you have to want it.

I've tried jogging, aerobics and gym. Of the three, I find that gym really hits the spot. But I guess it depends on the individual. When jogging, I tend to take long rest. Aerobics are good but the sessions start at 5.30pm to 6.30pm and I have to pick up the kids from their babysitter which leaves me with the gym which is close to my office. 5pm on the dot and I am already in my gym attire. I need to tone my arms but right now, I'm focusing on my abs area. I'm trying to gain muscle mass to increase my metabolism. You know, one misconception about women going to the gym is that you're going to bulk up on the muscles and that you're going to end up like those women body builders. Now get this! To get your body sculpted like them (body builders) you have a loooooooong way to go with strict diet regime and strict workout routine. People always think that when you go to the gym, you'll be lifting up weight and pumping irons. NO!

Now I feel like being The biggest loser contestant. Can hardly wait for my "weigh in" next week *SMILES*. Oh, but I'm going to KL next week with Jayden and mom. But, apart from spending time with mom and making my Jayden Ben10 happy with our trip, the hotel that we'll be staying has a swimming pool and gym *BIG SMILES*. Never stayed in that hotel before and a different area from where I usually stay but what the heck. So long as there are monorails or LRT or commuter, I'll be fine.

... time to hit the gym again...

2011-03-14T13:31:00.004+08:00

It has been two weeks since I last went to the gym and I feel like an old car in need of engine overhaul. I'm feeling lethargic, sluggish, tired all the time, pain on the back of my neck, feeling sleepy and slightly depressed. The list goes on and on. With all those disasters and unrests happening around the world I should be grateful for being here in this country. I mean I shouldn't be depressed, right? I try to "lift" myself up but when you're depressed, you're depressed. That's that! I even have these terrible just-before-waking-up thoughts or dreams that further cause disruption in my sleep pattern. Can't quite explain them.

Ah...depression. You don't want to sound ungrateful or anything but it happens anyway. I think I know what causes it and I think I have some idea on what to do about it. It's time to hit the gym again and look for better eating plan. Can low carb diet trigger depression? For myself, I think it does. I mean I can literally feel the difference when I'm eating more carb and the time when I restrict myself from carb.

I've been away from the gym now that Dave has been transferred to KK, leaving the kids and me here. Fortunately, my brother stays with us which is a huge relief. Anyway, I'm 4kg lighter than two months ago. I can fit into an M-sized workout pants and I may have lost a tiny bit of centimeters on my arms so HOORAY for that. The last I weighed myself was last Thursday and I was 62.7kg. Aiming for 60kg this month.

Shoo shoo depression. Go away....

gotta be in their shoes...

2011-01-14T13:45:00.004+08:00

NONE! In fact, I'm gaining weight. ARGHHH!!! *pulls hair*

Maybe I should not rely on that weighing scale GRRR!! OK, I had been going to the aerobics class quite religiously last November. Then middle December I stopped and with the holidays and all I had allowed myself to indulge in foods that I would normally limit my intake. I started attending the aerobics class again last week and just started going to the gym last Monday. Went to the gym for three consecutive days. Body aching all over. Almost vomited on Tuesday. Weighed myself every morning. I am so frustrated. The pointer should tilt to the left NOT to the right. I'm gaining weight! HELP! Is that suppose to happen? Does it have anything to do with the activities I do at the gym.

Here are my routines so far for three days. I have yet to familiarize with the gym equipment though.

- Starting with 10 minutes on the treadmill.
- Then to the equipment that looks like below picture. 2 sets of 20 repetitions of 3 varieties of arms exercise. Nah! Is that clear enough?

- Followed by 3 sets of 30 repetitions of 3 leg press activities. Hard to explain.
- 120 sit-ups
- Then 200 of twisting with the long stick at the back of your head.
- Dumbbell on one hand with arm straight down, the other hand on the back of the head, 100 side bends for each side.
- Then some forms of squatting with two dumbbells.
1) Legs apart with heels on a raised platform (about 6 inches raised), hands behind the back, 10 squats
2) Legs closed with heels on the raised platform, hands on each side, 10 squats
3) Legs apart about 6 inches wide, bending front to back, 10 times
4) Then this one really zaps whatever left of stamina/energy I have. Each hand still holding the dumbbells, alternated legs stepping on a raised platform (about a foot high) as fast as one could.
- Cooling down on a treadmill or exercise bike.

Didn't go yesterday. Went to the aerobics instead. Will go to the gym this evening. Don't know what I'll be asked to do.

I used to be able to cycle (on the exercise bike) for 40 minutes non-stop. That was about 9 years ago. Now I couldn't even last for three minutes. Darn it! Age is catching up on me, fast.I'm targeting to lose 2kg per month. So in five months I'll reach my ideal weight. Wah!

Doing those exercises made me realize how difficult it was for each of the contestants of the Biggest Loser program. Imagine having to spend about 4 hours at the gym and you cannot afford to skip for even a day or you'll be labeled as the slacker. We watch them on TV and when they show their human side, that is, when they whine or are in pain or look very tired, some of us may be quick to label them with all sorts of names but try to be in their shoes. Unless you're a regular at the gym, you'll know how they feel. I am even more inspired by them now that I am back to the gym.

Aa bau tai to you...

2010-12-13T16:35:00.003+08:00

"Aa bau tai to you, aa bau tai to you".

We were in the car waiting for Dave and Jayden when I heard Potito sang this line with the "happy birthday" tune. Amazed and surprised, I looked at him for the longest time and sang with him. I was surprised because I remember I told Jayden earlier that the day after would be Dave's birthday and never would I expect the younger brother to understand what I had said. Maybe it was just a coincidence but coming from Potito, I must admit that I'm a bit surprised.

While other 2-year-olds are talking now, Potito at 2 years 8 months of age are yet to talk in a way that anyone could understand. At his age, Jayden was already talking and singing. Potito sings but you could only understand the tune. Most of the time, I understand very, very little on what he says. I tried to urge him to follow after me but either he doesn't say anything or he says them completely different.

Take for example, his pet name. From Po-Ti-To he says Ti-Ta-To. Hmmm....

Anyway, happy birthday Dave! May the Lord above bless you abundantly and may you succeed in reaching your target weight.

Something to share about...

2010-11-29T11:24:00.003+08:00

And also a note to myself..

If you encountered this problem "could not complete your request because file is not compatible with this version of Photoshop" and yet you have created the file using THAT version of Photoshop, and you say "oh noooo!! I've put so much effort in it, there's no way I could redo what I have done". Well, before you pull out all your hair, open the file in Adobe ImageReady and save it (preferably under a different file name) and try opening the newly saved file.

In case you don't already know.

Low...Flo Rida

2010-11-18T16:39:00.002+08:00

This is the second song that I've been trying to get. This kind of song usually doesn't go past my ears (would switch to different radio station if I heard it on the radio) but after the first time *ahem* dancing to it at one aerobic session, I got hooked with it but still can't remember the steps (have only danced to it twice).

Finally managed to catch a line last Tuesday, and armed with the "she took your money fur lyrics" keyword, *VOILA!!!* I was led to this.

Now I get this song and the "Sorry, Sorry" song mixed up. I mean the steps. Hope we get to dance to it during the aerobic session today *hope hope hope*.

sorry sorry likee likee pacha pacha

2010-11-18T16:31:00.002+08:00

No wonder I couldn't get find this song. All the while I thought it was in English and thought that the reason I couldn't figure out the lyrics was that the singers sang it so fast. Turned out it was in Korean language. And Jayden was the one who found it on YouTube (with a little help from the daddy).

Rest In Peace Grandpa

2010-10-30T15:06:00.002+08:00

Grandpa's gone. The cancer had spread and his condition were deteriorating. Last night when mom called him, she could hear him in terrible pain. No longer was I praying for a miracle. I just prayed for God to heal him in whatever ways according to His will and if healing meant that he would no longer be in this world, then all that is left is to accept it. He is not pain anymore.... R.I.P grandpa, we'll miss you. I am sorry that I wasn't there to say goodbye, I couldn't bear to see you in pain.

This is so Disturbing...

2010-10-15T00:45:00.002+08:00

It is now 12.45 am. Flight back home is about 9 hours away. I am pretty much done with my packing. Just need to put the toiletries in my luggage and I'm all set. Wide awake now ... watching Joy Ride 2.

I am supposed to be in dreamland now but I don't feel like sleeping. Not after what happened just now. I heard some knockings (a few times) on the next door guest's door and I thought maybe it was the room mate knocking on the door. After a while I heard another knocks so I looked into the peep hole and saw a guy dressed in what I assume as the hotel uniform, the usual white shirt black pant standing facing the room to my right. It got me wondering what this presumably hotel employee doing knocking on the guest's door. And then it crossed my mind that the person would most probably knock on my door and true enough I heard a knock on my door and I looked into the peep hole and there he was standing there facing my room.

I heard he uttered something that sounded like "room service" but I didn't request for any. I did not open the door. A lot of things came into my mind. Was the TV too loud? I don't think so. For two nights before this, I was tempted to call the receptionist to ask the guests staying in the room to my left to turn the TV down. It was so loud and what I hated the most was the annoying "no reception" sound, you know, the buzzing-like sound.

Did someone actually called for room service and that this guy forgot which room made the request and he ended up knocking on a few doors? But what room service? The only room service I could think of is the request for some foods but there is not even a menu in the room or anything that states that this hotel provides any room service. Request for iron or hair dryer perhaps? But past midnight? Should I ask the receptionist if it is their norm to knock on the guests' doors past midnight?

I don't know if I would stay here again. Arghh why does the hotel that I used to stay "jual mahal" now?

Hmm...the movie has ended. I just hate the kind of movie where just when you thought that the good triumphs over the villain, you find out later that this villain shows up at the end of the movie terrorizing other potential victims. Such a typical way of telling the viewers that perhaps there would be a sequel. Speaking of sequel, did I hear it right that the movie Independence Day would be having a sequel? Oh please, please say that Will Smith is going to be in it (yeah right, like it is a confirmed news).

Arghh!! 1.20 am. Come on eyes, sleep already. I've got a plane to catch. Or maybe I shouldn't sleep at all. Waaaaa I wanna sleep. Don't want panda eyes.

Mariah Carey - Angel's cry

2010-10-13T22:47:00.004+08:00

Heard this song at the Guardian store and as usual I took out my hand phone and typed whatever lines I could catch for me to google later. I like both versions. The lyrics are a bit different or I think there are additions of lines in the one featuring Ne-Yo.

Mariah Carey featuring Ne-Yo

credit to TessalovesMJ

Mariah:
I shouldn't have walked away
I would've stayed if you said
We could've made everything OK
But we just
Threw the blame back and forth
We treated love like a sport
The final blow hit so low
I'm still on the ground

I couldn't have prepared myself for this fall
Shattered in pieces curled on the floor
Super natural love conquers all
'Member we used to touch the sky
And

Lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
We let it drift
In a storm
Every night
I feel the angels cry

C'mon babe can't our love be revived
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry

Ne-Yo:
I thought we'd be forever and always
You were serenity
You took away the bad days
Didn't always treat you right
But it was OK
I do somethin' stupid
And you still stay with me

But you can only go for so long
Doing the one you claim to love wrong
Before too much is enough
You look up
Find your love gone
And

We were so good together
How come we could not weather
This storm and just do better
Why did we say goodbye

'Cause lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
We let it drift

In a storm
Now every night
I feel the angels cry

Mariah & Ne-Yo:
C'mon babe can't our love be revived
Bring it back and we gon' make it right
I'm on the edge just tryin' to survive
As the angels cry

Baby I'm missin' you
Don't allow love to lose
We gotta ride it through
I'm reaching for you

Baby I'm missin' you
Don't allow love to lose
We gotta ride it through
I'm reaching for you

Lightning don't strike
The same place twice
When you and I said goodbye
I felt the angels cry
True love's a gift
But we let it slip
In a storm
Every night
I feel the angels cry

Oh babe, the angels cry

credit to xMissEBKx

Sudah terbiasa bah...

2010-10-13T21:11:00.002+08:00

Last time it was the car alarm. Just now it was the TV remote. Momentarily I forgot that I have to get up to change the temperature that I actually took the TV remote and pointed towards the air-con. Hmm....dasar pemalas atau sudah terbiasa? The air-con just doesn't like me haishhh.

Presentation over...

2010-10-13T17:53:00.005+08:00

Yeehaa!!

But can't enjoy yet. Have to finish two assignments and I have until the 26th since both have to reach the assessment center by 28th before 5pm and if I were to be safe I should courier my assignments by the 26th. Good thing for free Internet access here at the hotel. Will be looking for facts and points for my assignments but first thing first, need to choose the topic for the generic and functional.

I don't know what to say (about how I fared) for the presentation this morning. As I mentioned, we were given 10 minutes to present and 5 minutes for Q&A session but it seemed that the Q&A took a lot more time than our actual presentations. I was worried about not being able to reach even 8 minutes but it turned out that I went past 10 minutes aiseyy kena potong markah la ni. There were 12 of us presenting and what was thought to take about 3 hours (based on the time given) took 5 hours so you draw the math.

The questions posed to everyone were quite challenging but I am glad though as they opened my eyes and broadened my perspectives. I've written some of the questions that the evaluators asked not only to me but also to the other candidates for me to reflect upon. We do our work but sometimes what we do are just not enough. As civil servants we cannot escape from being labeled as "makan gaji buta" or not competent and quite a lot more labels but can we really blame those who put that label?

The evaluators were direct in asking questions and we really (or at least I really) had to dig deeper before answering their questions but I liked it. Bukan angkat kaki penilai ah .... but what they asked made me ponder on what I need to do in order to support the objectives of my department. Have I done enough? Have I taken one step further in helping my department? Have I made people see the importance of my existence in the department? One thing that scares me is if people don't see the need of my post in the department. Not only did the evaluators opened my eyes but also they boosted my spirit and morale to serve my department. Regardless of how I did, I am glad.

Time to focus on my assignments yeahhhh.

One down, two more and another waiting

2010-10-11T18:21:00.008+08:00

Group discussion done. Wish I had talk more. I was probably the least talker in the group. If I screw this one at least I'll know what to do if I have to sit for it next time. I supposed every one first timer was busy reading the Tonggak 12 or the seculars and a lot more but it turned out that those were not required, at least in our group topic and I've asked the topic of a few other groups and nothing that required them to quote from the seculars.

Hope the evaluators do consider that I did talk even though not as much as other people. Group discussion carries 50% of the Generic Component points while 10% is personality assessment and the other 40% for individual assignment which is due on October 28, 2010. *sigh* Could it be due to language barrier? I have the tendency to talk in mixed language and I certainly fail in the slang department. I think I did my best to talk in baku Malay. The discussion was supposed to be fully in Malay language and I remember that while I was talking but couldn't help but slipped in some English language *arghhh!!!*. Truth be told I am always conscious of my slang whenever I step foot here because my Sabahan slang is too thick and sometimes I have to repeat myself when I talk fast. I am also more of a listener and it is not usual for me to cut in when other people are talking unless I know the person quite well and I just don't know where to cut in. I do remember cutting in two or three times. Other times I talked when the "chairman" asked of my opinion and what else (trying to remember how many times exactly did I speak). But if I have to sit for this again, I'd definitely do it differently. Not that I want to. Need to "squeeze my brain" and hope that I'd nail the individual assignment.

Tomorrow would be a two and a half hours of written assessment which carries 50% of the Functional Component. There's also an individual assignment which contributes 25% and another 25% for work management assessment which is the individual presentation. I hope I'm fast enough to volunteer as the time keeper. Our group discussion was done in the morning so we didn't have to stay for the afternoon session. Tried to do some readings in the taxi on the way back to the hotel but it made me sleepy ... haiya apa matciam oh ... my head was in fishing mode already and I think I slipped into dream land a few times. Reached the hotel a little after 2 pm and slept half hour later.

Look what I got today?

It got to a point that even one step hurt so much that I had to resort to stepping on the back of the shoes. Didn't care anymore if people saw as long as I could walk without wincing in pain. Gotta go to Guardian store nearby.

Kesian ko kasut...terpenyek sudah. Apa bule buat lah kakiku cedera.

OK, time to look for dinner. Remember what ever it is, no rice.

10 more kilos to lose...

Time to do some spot questions answering which means I'll be doing some writing. Will be focusing on Database &, SQL statements, network --> topology & the 7 layers of OSI, SDLC and all that come with it, security, wireless, Dasar Keselamatan ICT ....hmmm.... semua lah bah.

Hot Cold Hot cold

2010-10-10T22:18:00.003+08:00

I am in my hotel room trying to study for my PTK *ya kah study?* and I have lost count of how many times I got up to "adjust" the temperature. I just can't get the temperature right. Either it is too cold or too hot and the difference is only 1 degree celcius. 22 degree C, too cold. 23 degree C, uncomfortably hot. Haishh!!

PTK format sure has changed. Instead of the previous exam only format, now, there'll be group discussions, exam and presentation. On top of that candidates are also assessed on how their attires and all. Tomorrow would be group discussion (perbincangan generik). If there's going to be a presentation for each group maybe I'll volunteer who knows maybe extra mark in volunteering. ~ selingan skejap...suda kasi naik suhu, terus panas haisss! ~ Day after tomorrow would be the test on our knowledge.

The remaining two days would be individual presentation where candidates have been asked (prior to coming to the PTK) to prepare a 3 - 5 presentation slides basically on what we've done so far from January to June this year and the impact of our activities (three sides for those) on our workplace and we're given 10 minutes. Will be practising in front of the mirror and will have to time myself. I have the tendency to talk faster than I should. Have always been like that. Happened a lot of times during my uni. years. How shall I fully utilize the ten minutes? I heard that marks would be deducted if the candidate talks less than 8 minutes. Points would also be deducted if we take more than 10 minutes. I have five slides of which the last is sekian, terima kasih. Self introduction maybe 1 - 2 minutes. Job description and senarai tugas utama maybe two to three minutes. Third slide, on our activities and the impact of what we've done maybe two to three minutes. Fourth slide, 2 minutes. The last slide would only take seconds.

Don't know what to expect for tomorrow's group discussion. Ah, better hit the "books" or to be exact, it's surf time to dot gov sites.

TBLA 2 episode 3...

2010-10-06T08:17:00.002+08:00

I'm not going to say what happened from the start of the show to the elimination process. Consider this as my ranting of some sort. Wonder how far along are they...I mean, shootings were done earlier like last season and probably many have been eliminated or probably they've finished shooting all the episodes *no idea*. So, whatever the outcome in the current episode, for example, last night's episode has probably happened weeks or even a month ago and not last week. So if what happens in each episode really ticks us off that means we're ticked off by things that happened quite some time ago and sometimes we can be ticked off to the extent of wishing for a certain individual to be eliminated, that person may have already been eliminated.

Not getting what I'm saying? OK, one example, after last night's episode one can go to forum or the facebook page of TBLA S2 and one'll see how many people wishing for this particular person to be booted off the show. And I'm doing it here. Despite knowing that the show is aired much much later than we thought, I'm just going to ~~pretend~~ assume that this show is done in almost real time like AF or AI for instance --> notice the word almost? Of course to make room for the editing time urghh never mind bla bla bla.

Having said that I can't help but being pissed off by the blue team captain. Somehow he has the knacks of being irritating the hell out of a lot of people. I guess in every reality show, there'll always be the least favorite and my vote for that category goes to him. Seeing a "chicken" in a movie is enough to irritate us, what more of seeing one in a reality show. Again strategy my foot. And a great week indeed.

But come to think of it we can't wait for the next episode to come and despite saying that we wish to see him off the show, we actually would like to see what he would do next. The DRAMA.
For now, probably Raj is gaining a lot of haters because of his guts but when he is eliminated (if that ever happens) then perhaps people would be neutral on him.

Well, this is a reality show and a game of some kind and with every game there are rules. And do not underestimate the power of the viewers for their say can make the heads of the show change the rules. Last season, the total weight loss of both teams were compared to determine which team won for each episode and they changed it towards the end of the show teams were disbanded and there were only individuals and they use the percentage of weight loss instead. This season the percentage of weight loss is the used from the start of the show. Still, when Scott was booted off, many thinks that this rule of letting the opposing team decide the losing team's fate is unfair. Hard to please everyone.

an old song......

2010-10-05T20:29:00.002+08:00

I was reading my old diaries and came across a line of a song that I have been searching for quite some time. Looked for the song via Mr. Google and tadaaaa!! Found it on YouTube! I used to listen to the radio while putting my thoughts in the good ol' books so that was why some song lines were written along with whatever I was thinking at the time. Good thing that I had this habit of writing lines of songs in the old diaries. Well, I still do carry that habit but instead of writing, I'd grab my handphone and type as fast as I could for me to google it later.

Here's the song. I think it's from the 80's. Been playing it over and over again.

Signal - Could this be love

So I try to tell myself
I know this feeling can't be real
It must be a dream

Remember when I said to you
Love's an empty place within my heart
Girl don't even try

But like a storm that rages through the night
You came raining down on me

Could this be love
I won't have to run no more
Deep in the night
I won't have to hide, ooh, yeah
Could this be love
Is this what I've been searching for
'Cause I've been searching all my life
And it's time, this time
It's never felt like this
Could this be love

Why is love a mystery
Why does it burn inside my soul
Is it really real
Oh was I born to believe
That love would never come my way
A lonely dreamer lost without you
If you're the dream whose light is here to stay
I'll give all my love to you

Could this be love
I won't have to run no more
Deep in the night
I won't have to hide, ooh, yeah
Could this be love
Is this what I've been searching for
'Cause I've been searching all my life
And it's time, this time
It's never felt like this
Could this be love

(Solo)

Could this be love
I won't have to run no more
Deep in the night
I won't have to hide ooh, yeah
Could this be love
Is this what I've been searching for
'Cause I've been searching all my life
And it's time, this time
It's never felt like this
Could this be love

Could this be love
Could this be love
Yeah

Could this be love

KK...

2010-10-03T22:17:00.011+08:00

Am in KK till Wednesday. The kids are in Labuan with their daddy. Will be attending talks on ICT Strategic Planning (KKM) for two days.

Had to tell Jayden that I was going to work. He said something which made me ponder on it. Earlier when he was taking his bath (below pic), he asked why we have to work and we said that we need to work so that we would have money.

And when they sent me to the airport, Jayden said "mommy tidak payah la ada duit bah" or was it "mommy tidak payah banyak duit bah". I understood what his point was. He was telling me that there is no need to have (more) money. I believe that what he meant was "mommy don't go to work" because he didn't want me to be away from him. I think he could accept it when we go to work during the school week but for him weekends are for the family to be together. He is quite used to Dave having to work during the weekends but it is unusual for him to see me having to work on weekend.
If I said I was going to KK we'd be having a hard time convincing him not to get on board the plane with me. Had to ~~lie~~ say the half truth.

Going for even longer times next week for my PTK.

Seeing that I didn't get to exercise on Friday despite having changed to sports attire from the office. I had promised Jayden to go to the playground. I thought of going to the botanical garden so that I could go for a jog and the kids and Dave would be at the playground but botanical seemed quite far (would be dark by the time we get out from the botanical garden --> not risking my night sleep even though it was Friday).

Was infected by a lazy bug on Saturday so I made up my mind to do some exercise today. When Dave saw me put the running shoes in my luggage, he said "rajin juga". Can't afford to slack off. So back in KK, mom and I together with my brother, sis-in-law, nieces and nephew went to Tun Fuad park. The place was packed with people. How I wish we have this kind of place in Labuan. No wait! Yeah we kind of have it but it is not enough. Wishing for the exact thing *bummer*.

When was the last time I went for hill climbing? Can't remember the last time I went there. Anyway, only mom and I went up the hill (suddenly feel like singing Jack and Jill went up the hill). I must say that the aerobics classes really add one's endurance. All the jumping and moving for an hour do pay for I didn't have any trouble at all reaching the peak. Maybe it was due to my frequent snappy snap snap moments. Took some pictures with mom being the model.

Taking a break.

What I like most about being at the top of the hill is that you can view the whole of KK. Well, maybe not the WHOLE of KK. No wait! Maybe you can after all. Aghh never mind. Pictures can explain what words cannot. Next time I'll bring my camera. These were taken using my hp.

Mom was busy FB'ing. Yours truly was preoccupied with wanting to capture the surroundings.

Trail for bikers. Even saw two mountain bikers. Wah! Macam syiok saja.

At one point mom told me to go ahead and that she would be waiting for me but then she changed her mind. We wanted to avoid going up through this steps and were looking for short cut which turned out to be a long winding up hill even steeper and farther from this one but it was worth it.

Took a different route down.

Ahhhh ... nice smells coming from this place. Steamboat yum yum...

Blurry pic of my niece and I.

Lose a pound and add two more? Was thinking about this during the climb.

They've gotta be kidding me...

2010-10-02T23:38:00.000+08:00

If there is an award for the worst name spelling, this one would surely take home the prize. Worst case of mispelling my name so far. Or was it for another person?

No wonder it didn't catch my eyes the first time because I thought it wasn't for me. It was an invitation of some sort. The address was right. Can't remember if it was a conference or seminar or some technology update but it was IT related and definitely not from the ministry.

I would really like to meet whoever wrote this and ask this person to spell my name (repeatedly) until that person get it right. I mean come on. If you want to be taken seriously it doesn't hurt to ask the spelling of the name. I would ask the right spelling if I'm not sure.

Can't wait for anything that could top this one. Seriously!

....................

2010-09-30T00:09:00.000+08:00

love the drama...didn't like the result..

2010-09-29T13:24:00.004+08:00

Reality show isn't complete without the drama. In fact, it spices up the show to some extent. While some are amusing, I find last night's "drama" in The Biggest Loser Asia 2 were quite irritating. I love watching reality shows and I certainly enjoy watching the drama in them. But as in any drama, one has the tendency to react or to have emotions bubbling in one's heart over what was done or spoken by the turn of the event. In this case, it was about the highlight of each episode which is the elimination stage.

I know that we, as the audience, do not have the full knowledge of what happened behind the camera. For all we know, an hour show is just clips of what is happening for the whole week so we form our judgments based on what the contestants say or do. When I saw a tie between Patty and Manjit and that the blue team was given the power to decide, seeing what the blue team captain had said and done, it was no surprise to see Scott's name.

Yeah, you're just playing the game blue team captain. Strategy my foot. Opportunist? Yes! But a good competitor? Hell NO! Coward, maybe. A game player? Game player all right. The dirty one! Oh don't give the crap about eliminating the strongest and the highest potential competitors because they can do it at home *sick in the stomach bluweeeekkkk!!*. Bah!! All of the contestants are there for the same reasons. Because they could not do it on their own and would like to change their lives. Just because someone is seemingly strong or can pose a threat for the much coveted "title" (plus the prizes that comes with the title) you go and kick this person out.

Keep it like that and I am sure a huge number of people cannot wait for the captain to be eliminated or better still a tie in the blue team happens and the captain got the boot. How's that served back at him? Anyway, it wouldn't have happened if the red team did not reach a tie. It is a competition after all.

OMG! Can't believe I get emotional over this reality show. Huh! Kin panas tul tinguk ni urang di tv cissss! There should be a double elimination last night so both Manjit and Patty won't weigh the red team down. Apa sia cakap ni? Sangat tidak puas hati! Ya, I know it's only a game but still ... can't run away from getting emotional over what happened.

OK those rantings and the seemingly unfair game play (depends on how you see it) aside, I'm not in favor of a particular color (team) but looking forward to see their changes. All of them. By the way, I wonder what is happening in the life of the lady who I think is the heaviest so far to audition for TBLA (Malaysia audition) . What was her name again? Nadya or Nasha? I know it starts with 'N'. I hope some good souls reach out to her and help her. I think it would do any fitness center good if could do what they can to change her life. From the business point of view it would certainly boost the marketing aspect of the place. Plus the goodwill act.

Overexcited?

2010-09-28T13:18:00.000+08:00

There are such things as being forgetful and feeling sluggish. And then there are also such things as being over excited. When I reached the office, saw a letter that says that there will be a meeting at 9 am. So I dashed off for breakfast still enjoying a cup of milk tea and a bowl of mee hoon soup while making a mental note to make sure that I bust my ass out during the aerobics class after work.

Back at the office, I wanted to turn on the air con (which I have switched on earlier but didn't realize it) but instead of reaching out for the air con remote control, I held the car remote instead and pointed to the air con. And when it was close to 9 am, I saw some staffs were having breakfast at the office pantry and some were at their desks. I asked one co-worker if the meeting has started and she said the meeting has started so I took the previous minutes of meeting, my notebook and proceeded to the meeting room and those in the meeting room were puzzled to see me as I was equally puzzled to see them. Then someone said that I got the wrong meeting and said that the meeting was on another day and still with "muka tembok" I asked (in Malay) "Isn't this the Bahagian Pengurusan meeting?" and at that time realized that the meeting is supposed to be held tomorrow. There's another meeting on Thursday.

I went out of the meeting room and related to the staffs who must have been puzzled to see me out from the meeting room so fast. Someone said, "bersemangatnya". Yup, I am because I can't wait to exercise. If I get there 15 minutes early and if the weather permits it, I thought I'd run for one lap then to the aerobics class.

Rain or shine...

2010-09-28T05:33:00.002+08:00

Jayden saw me holding my track suit and he asked what it was for, so I replied that I'm going for a jog after work. Then he asked, "mommy biggest loser?". His question stopped me for a while. It made me smile and I just said "yes". Grown-ups won't get that reaction from me though.

I mentioned in this post that I would prefer hill climbing but few things happened last Friday that changed my perception / mind over my exercise routines. What happened was in the morning at the Hospital, while waiting for our turn, I read a health magazine which altered my point of views. There were quite a number but one that sticks to my mind is about the importance keeping tabs with the scale.

I have stated before that I didn't want to get on the scale for fear of losing heart over the number shown on the scale but look what happened to me when I did not do that? Just in July I managed to get my weight before I was carrying Darien which was 62kg. Two months later I saw an increase of 3kg. All for not weighing myself. Boy was I wrong for thinking that stepping on the scale was not important.

Last Friday was also the day that I started to love jogging. After reading the health magazine in the morning, I was in inspired mood all day long which led to the sports complex. I arrived quite late as we had to fetch the kids and send them and their daddy home then only to the sports complex. It was quarter past 6 and was getting dark in this side of the world. At first I just wanted to do a brisk walk but soon as I stepped out of the car, my legs just started running. I thought to myself 'OK, I'll run for few hundred meters then I'll walk' but as I was running I was filled with a renewed determination to reach the starting point.

See below pic. I didn't run on the track, rather, I ran on the road marked with the red arrows and one lap is equal to 1km. When I reached the starting point, I pushed myself to go for another round which I managed to. And for someone who said that she didn't really like jogging, 2km is something to be happy of *gave self a pat on the back*. It was already dark by the time I was doing the second lap and the trees started to creep me out so I decided to stop after running 2 full laps. There were only a few people left, did some stretching and left for home feeling oh so liberated and energized.

Didn't exercise during the weekend. Wanted to but it was raining in the evening. So yesterday (Monday) I went to the sports complex again. This time I was early but it was already drizzling. I was still undecided (whether to jog or not) when I reached the place because judging from the weather, looked like it was about to rain cats and dogs and I really didn't want to be soaked. Saw people playing football so I said to myself if these people are going to get soaked for playing football then I might as well get soaked for running at least one lap. Managed to run a whole lap before the heavy rain. Few minutes after getting in the car, the heavy downpour started *phew*.

Saw a colleague who is at the other building and heard that she lost 5kg so I asked what she did. Turned out that she lost 6kg (and not 5kg) by walking at the Botanical Garden everyday. Wow! Another inspirational story to motivate me.

I can hardly wait to run again. This time I'm targeting for 3km and maybe next week plus another kilometer and another the week after. Seriously thinking of getting the mp3 player. Music can be uplifting and takes one's mind off to some "wonderland", I mean when your mind is off somewhere you're less likely to feel tired. Makes it easier to push yourself for some more laps. Well, that's what I think.

With regards to my weight, I weighed myself last Saturday and Sunday and saw the number didn't budge. But today, I am happy to see a drop in 1 kg. Yipee! I started taking off rice from my dinner last week (Monday). Hard to do at first but now I don't miss rice at night. Eating as usual for breakfast and lunch. Still enjoying my iced tea. Yeah! I know I should eliminate caffeine but urghh I'm doing it slowly. Wouldn't want to starve myself because experience taught me that it would lead to overeating later.

So my exercise routine would be alternating between jogging and aerobics classes. There's the gym rakyat at the sports complex but I haven't started going there yet. So running or aerobics will be a daily routine until Dave says that he wants to go the gym or exercise somewhere.

Would be nice if I could lose 1kg a week. But I also know that as one gets lighter, shedding the weight off becomes harder and requires more intense trainings. Hope to be able to fit into my favourite jeans by December or better still November.

Preston's Review ..

2010-09-24T18:30:00.000+08:00

Met the specialist at the hospital this morning. The surgery is scheduled in December this year. There have been suggestions by other people to seek for traditional method treatment which I assume involves massaging. I am against it as it is too risky for his delicate organ.

He would be admitted to the ward one day before the operation. The operation will take 45 minutes to an hour and a half depending on whether only the right one is operated or both. According to the specialist, he can be discharged from the ward the day after the surgery. We have yet to decide whether the hubby or I would take the night shift at the hospital.

The specialist said something that made me laugh. I asked him about Jayden's condition and he asked if Jayden is "gemuk" (fat) and I said, "ya gemuk" to which he pointed to the hubby and said "gemuk like the father lah ah" and I replied "yeah, like the father". I didn't think much of it but when we were on the way to send Preston to the babysitter..

the hubby : bule dia cakap sia gemuk...
me : reality check. Jadi sia slim lah tu kan sebab dia tidak tunjuk sia?
the hubby: begini gemuk?
me : ya lah bah. ko sendiri cakap begitu masa nampak gambar ko.

Well, not qualified for him to enter Biggest Loser though MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAA. Oh yeah, I can be quite "evil".

Getting started is always the hardest...

2010-09-22T10:03:00.007+08:00

The Biggest Loser Asia Season 2 is here. Yay! I was the only fan last year but I think the show is gaining some interest from the household. The show must have inspired the hubby that this morning he announced that he's going for a jog after work. I was planning to go to the gym today but seeing that he wanted to go jogging, I'll have to stay at home.

If I don't include rice for my menu tonight, then it would be the third day since I have started abstaining from eating rice (at night). Getting started is not easy, in fact, it is the hardest thing to do. Giving up on something (and I don't mean the losing hope, quitting type of giving up) requires you to constantly set your eyes on your goal. The moment you shift your eyes from it, that is when you'll start faltering. I mentioned about my wish list in this post. So far, I've done #2 dan #5 but not completely. I haven't used the skinless chicken breast for #5.

I have also started making fruit juice which is a concoction of green apples and carrots. I use the juicer, not the blender so pure fruit juice extract. Sometimes I add pear in it. Potito likes it so much. He could finish the whole glass. The hubby initially didn't like it but when I put the glass on the table yesterday having sipped not even a mouthful, I returned to see an empty glass. Thinking of varying the fruits / veges.

Someone suggested a concoction of the following:-

green apples
celery
capsicum
cucumber

and get this ........

bitter gourd (ewww!!)

And mind you. I tried it and I was left with a funny taste up to my gut the whole night and I didn't like it each time I burped. When I first heard her say it and asked her of the taste she said it will taste fine once everything is blended. After having tasted it myself and told her of the funny taste she said "memang lah". Aisey....capsicum and bitter gourd are definitely out. But I read somewhere that cayenne pepper is used in juice diet or juice fasting. Say what? If someone attests to using the "cili padi" as part of his or her juice ingredient, I would like to meet and salute this person. Man! Talk about spicy drink.

OK, back to what I was saying, speaking from my own experience of battling with the bulges, I have to admit that I brought it upon myself to be in this condition which obviously is being overweight. I didn't exercise, didn't watch what I eat, always looking for the right time to change. Well, the perfect time would never come. You have to start immediately. So it is up to US, really. We CHOOSE to be in this condition and get in even worse condition day by day or do something about it. But I do feel for those hopefuls who came to the Biggest Loser Asia auditions. I can understand what they feel when they say of having low self esteem and being a joke. Just can't run away from the social stigma that sticks to the plus size people.

Anyway, I started noticing that I was gaining more weight when I had a hard time fitting into my clothes. Breastfeeding does keep you from gaining weight. Now that the littlest one is rarely on McB, I am getting bigger. So I spent my time worrying and wishing to reach my ideal weight while STILL eating and carrying very little of the amount of calories that came with the foods. Well, I did worry about the calories but it seemed that the conscience was shoved in the furthest corner of my mind and it only got out after I was done eating which led me to regret it every time. Sheesh!! No wonder lah kan? But I bet there are a lot of people like me. We eat as much as we want, whatever we could get and regret it later. Come to think of it...such person is quite annoying. Am annoyed at myself whenever I do that.

There are people who just need a push in the right direction. Some requires a hard shove...tsk! tsk! Am I that kind of person? Whenever I watch Jillian's show or other shows alike, I'd be wishing that I have someone to push me. Better still someone to train me (uh huh .. dalam mimpi sajalah). Since that is not quite possible here, I said to myself that something is better than nothing. Hence I dragged this lazy self to the paid aerobics class Monday last week. Then to the free aerobics session the next day. Then the self exercise the day after and I hurt my back. And back again yesterday.

Point is there will never be the right moment to change or to get started. You just have to start. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, DO SOMETHING! Better a 15 minutes cardio than nothing.

I don't weigh myself. Not yet. Not until I can fit into those non-stretchable clothes that I can't fit into now. Part of the reasons to hold from seeing at the weighing scale is that I am worried that I might lose heart at the sight of number. I'd like to believe that although the scale doesn't agree with me, those fats are melting away each time I sweat. So I figure, if you don't see the changes on the scale, it does not mean that you are not losing weight. You might trimmed some inches on the measuring tape.

Oh, and once you have started and you continue your exercise routines, you'd be looking forward for the next day's exercise. What's in my weekly plan is two days of cardio - aerobics is the only option for now - and one day for strength training. I am reaaaaaaaaally interested in the body combat or taebo or anything of the likes. The other half was not so convinced of my ability but I have watched and seen so many inspiring people, never mind the cynical remarks, just you wait caiyok! caiyok!

snake invasion...

2010-09-21T06:00:00.000+08:00

Dave was informed that there was a phyton near our one of the houses in our residential area yesterday evening that Bomba had to be called. We didn't realize a thing until one of the neighbors who is also Dave's colleague told him. It happened sometime around 6.30pm - 6.45pm. Not quite sure if the snake was in the house or outside the house, which is 3 houses away from us. But it was believed to "come" from the bushes which is one house away from us.

Dave was already out to play badminton when he was told of the incident and he immediately called me which led me to immediately check the house of any holes that those creepy crawlers could get into. I don't like long crawling insects and I really don't like the reptiles version either. Last month when we went to the Crocodile Farm in Tuaran, I have actually tried to get acquainted with the crawler type by taking photos of me putting it around my shoulder and I shrieked so loud, my voice could be heard more than 100 meters away. Not interested in trying it again anywhere no matter the size. Ever!

With the rainy season, our backyard are filled with grasses growing "healthily" that you have to have them trimmed every week. Now, where are those guys (riding bicycles with grass cutters on their bikes) when we need them? Some patches of the grassy area are close to a foot high that I don't dare let the kids out at the back. Back at the old place that we rented, there was (and I believe is still) this guy who would go to the back side of the houses through the drain (not actually walking in the drain but you get the picture, right?), plus the fence was in a condition that made it easy for people to just walk over, which is very convenient for the houses owners because some house owners prefer not to let strangers in to get to the back and he could do it when one is away at work (of course, one locks the house) and he would come back in the evening to collect the fee.

At the place now, the old owner mentioned that we could ask the guy to go through the back but I don't see how that could be possible unless the guy is good in high jump. Now I am having a second thought on leaving the door open even when the grill door is locked. No wonder the old owner put something extra on the kitchen grill.

Hmm...time to get ourselves some sulfur to put around the house. I was told that it could prevent those creepy crawlers from getting into the house.

excuses...excuses..

2010-09-20T05:40:00.001+08:00

Few days of slacking and back to not having enough sleep. But last night was a different story. The smallest prince was cranky most of the night. We had to put him in the swing the whole night and had to rock the swing each time he made that cranky sound. Most of the nights it was me who had trouble sleeping.

I had to stop doing any exercise because of the pain on my lower back....salah sendiri. Last week on Monday and Tuesday, I went for aerobics classes at two different locations. I was supposed to go on Wednesday but changed my mind because of my unwillingness to fork out $$$$ for the fee. Preferred to go for the free one instead. So I decided to exercise on my own using the stationary bike (which one could also run on it) and the dumb bells. I knew I couldn't force myself to spend long enough time to exercise (just too many distractions at home <-- alasan lapuk) so thought I could get the most out of the very short time by alternating between cycling and running while at the same time holding the dumb bells for few sets of arms exercise. I must have sprained something somewhere that my lower back was painful the next day. So much for self-brought pain.

I must exercise or else I might go crazy due to having little night sleep. Hmm...let's see...I don't really like jogging compared to hill climbing because when climbing a hill one has a target which is the peak so it'll drive one to reach the top. With jogging, I could go for a 100m or less than that. * tsk tsk tsk * What I enjoy the most is swimming ... BUT .... lots of BUTS.

There's the gym not far from my office. Come to think of it, quite far to reach by foot about (less than) half a km. Some people would say that it is a short distance but how short or long the distance is, is very subjective. For me, it is quite far because of the time restriction. I wouldn't mind the time if I had a maid. If we used one car and therefore I had to walk, I would have to spend about 20 to 30 minutes then about an hour (at the most) spent at the gym. Then the whole family would come to pick me up. So very inconvenient for them. If I use the other car then problem solved but would be quite hard sending the kids to their babysitter and school in the morning.

I guess all these boil down to whether I am willing or not. After all, no pain no gain, right? One can give thousands of excuses if one doesn't really have the heart to do something. What I am angry at myself for is that the more I want to control my diet, the more I eat. I said I wanted to skip the rice at night but hoo boy I end up going for second round thinking "oh this would be the last one". If it weren't for the $ I would have get myself those Herbalife drinks. It worked for me last year. *Sigh* I am ballooning now ... no longer exclusive breastfeeding. Three kilos gained *urghh*.

Didn't realize how big I was until I saw my pics taken three months ago. *shudder at the sight* How lah....I love food so much, fried and spicy foods *yummy*. Between the other half and I, I can eat twice as much if not more. In fact, he often leaves me puzzled because if I were to have the equal amount of food intake, I would be doing many trips for the fridge not too long after that. Sudah lah kuat makan, malas lagi exercise...apa tidak gumukkss. <-- This one referring to me. No intention to hurt others' feelings...even if you are like that .... sorry yah if that offends whoever in this situation but that is the truth what. We are our own worst adversaries. Oh, here's the wish list of the healthy life style that I hope to be (high-willed enough to be) able to follow:- 1) Eat heartily for breakfast --> preferably no fried foods, no caffeine, no or very little sugar.

2) Oat drink and fruit for mid morning snacks

3) Salad for lunch, boiled egg, using only skinless chicken breast *won't be seeing ya chicken wing 'n thighs for a while*. OK, maybe a half cup of rice.

4) Oat drink again and some crackers for mid evening snacks.

5) This one is the hardest...vegetable soup using *ughh* skinless chicken breast and lots and lots of (preferably) steamed veges. Maybe a half cup of the herbal rice (the one with reduced starch).

6) Exercise! Exercise! Exercise! Sweat! Sweat! Sweat!

7) And when I am shed of those 5kgs I so want to lose, I'll reward myself with ..... * drum rolls please* a whole day of food indulgence followed by a whole day of body cleansing and exercise :p.

Now all I need is THE WILL.

Say, why am I suddenly thinking about ngau chap (see below pic)? Incidentally been looking for the recipe. Can't be hungry already...

source: obviously taken from beatifulkk.com (credits to the owner)

Arghh..See?

say bye bye to insomnia?

2010-09-14T06:04:00.001+08:00

Finally had THE VERY needed sleep last night. After having more than a week of interruptions during the night, I really, really appreciate last night's sleep. It started on Saturday night (the Saturday before last weekend). We were at the Botanical garden's playground that evening and went back when it was starting to get dark. That night, I think it started some time around 2 a.m, baby Darien was throwing tantrums the whole night. He was kicking and tossing from side to side and he wasn't awake, his eyes were close. Gave him milk. Didn't even finish his milk and he started his tantrum again. Same thing happened during the nights after. I couldn't figure out what was wrong or why he did at. 2 am and he started doing the kung fu and judging from his eyes, one could clearly see that he was very, very sleepy and yet he was doing the kung fu thing.

After a few days of that kind of sleeping pattern, I dreaded it when night time came. I don't know about other people but when I don't get enough sleep and get dragged on for days like that, I wouldn't "function" well during the days. It got worse that at one time, I spent the whole lunch hour sleeping in the office. Even that was not enough.

Gradually his late night tantrum got milder but then it was me who got interrupted many times during my sleep. I just woke up and couldn't force myself to sleep, it made me anxious and all sorts of things enter my mind. The worst was just last Sunday night. We went to the botanical garden during the evening. The dad and the kids were at the playground while the mom went for a jog. Urghh!! They slept so well...I, on the other hand, spent the night looking at the ceiling. Tried to look around if something was trying to bother me (macam lah berani) and nothing. Absolutely nothing. But when I tried to close my eyes I just felt that uneasy, not at peace feeling. Strange. Strange. Strange. And I really hated the feeling.

I could finally sleep after 5 am. And fortunately for me, I had to take a day leave because the babysitter was not around so I could steal some time for a quick shut eye. Could barely keep myself awake.

Almost didn't go to the aerobics class that evening but boy, am I glad I went. Since it had been quite a while, I had to force myself during the aerobics session. As a result, my body is aching all over but hey body, you'll have me to thank for later, much much later. For that night, I slept very well. I woke up this morning feeling WOW! I remember waking up only once or twice but other than those, I slept like a baby.

Planning to go to the sports complex today to check if the free aerobics session has started. Hard to fork out something from my wallet for yesterday session so highly anticipating the free session. So I figure, maybe that was just what I needed. If I have to sweat and I mean not the usual sweating because of the weather or from some light movements, this is busting my ass out type of sweat and EVERY DAY in order to get a good night sleep then by all means, I'd do it. I am actually relishing the muscle (ya kah ada muscle) pain. So, here's hoping to say bye bye to those sleep interruptions *shoo shoo you* and hellooo good night sleep.

make an effort for it....

2010-09-09T06:02:00.000+08:00

"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air.
You name them - work, family, health, friends and spirit and you're keeping all of these in the air.
You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball.
If you drop it, it will bounce back.
But the other four balls - family, health, friends and spirit - are made of glass.
If you drop one of these, they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered.
They will never be the same.
You must understand that and strive for balance in your life."

~ Bryan Dyson (Former CEO of Coca Cola)

I know that many people have posted this speech on the web but it is always good to share foods for thoughts. Serves as a reminder for myself.

...Labuan ...Overflowed....

2010-09-08T21:12:00.001+08:00

... with water. Some parts of it, not all. Happened this morning, which resulted in the red mark on my punch card. Would've arrived early, had it not for this incident.

Just a couple of months ago, I was told that some parts of Labuan were overflowed with water after hours of heavy downpour. My reaction was, "hah! betul bah?". It never crossed my mind that Labuan (even though only in some places) could be hit by (minor) flood. Even though it was not as damaging as other parts of this country, clearly something should be done, right?

The above two pictures were taken at Jalan Pulau Buah.

Only the road to town was flooded.

Those who had their cars lowered? Time to revert to the original state...

See the biker? He almost fell when he tried to make it to the other side.

Usually what we would like to do is to drive as fast as we could, just to get out of this situation. But I was told that when you are in this situation, the key is to drive slowly.

If nothing is done to prevent similar incident from happening then it is probably high time to look for this type of vehicle:-

Picture source from google images. Credits to you whoever posted it.

Travelling thoughts...

2010-09-08T05:25:00.002+08:00

Can thoughts really travel? I mean, I believe that if we think about a person, that person would think about us too. Well, something like that. Hard to explain. Grandma said something to me once when I was still in primary school. She said not to mention the person's name or that the person will miss you. I think she also meant not to think too much of that person. Hard to digest, isn't it?

Back when we were in Keningau, my brother and I often went back to our kampung during school holidays. And my, we had so much FUN that we dreaded it or at least I dreaded it when it was time for our parents to pick us up. Always after I got back from kampung, I would take out pictures that have grandma's face in them and cried every night, which drove my mom to the wall hahaha. She almost did not want us to go back to kampung because of the after balik kampung effect. I must have cried a lot that those pictures turned into some "creative" art works that faces became unrecognizable. Try crying every night holding the same pictures with your fingers wet from wiping those tears.

Back when grandma's grandchildren who were close to her were just my brother and I (the other two brothers didn't get to experience grandma's special treatment *nyeh nyeh nyeh* because they were too little that time) we got away with almost everything. Hmm...but we didn't cause trouble ... we were just some normal kids who had a bit more curiosity and liked to do what everyone else did (HAHA) ... don't know what grandma think of that. So, grandma must have been thinking about us and missing us too. So, that was probably why she said don't mention the person's name because I was like "mamaaa....huu huu huu" *one hand holding the pictures, the other hand wiping tears* <--- me crying back then.

Just yesterday, I was thinking about an old classmate back in Keningau. Tried to search her name but couldn't find her. Opened my FB this morning and voila! Found her. Well, she added me, turned out she used other name. The last time I met her was after I moved to KK. We met at the then Queen Elizabeth hospital ward. She was taking care of her father who I think was diagnosed as having stomach cancer. I remember she said her father wanted to eat Sunkist orange and there we went searching for Sunkist orange. Our search was fruitless. Don't know if she did find it.

Maybe thoughts can really travel. Or that maybe there are just too many coincidences.

oh forget what i've written before...

2010-09-07T13:30:00.003+08:00

Picture source from www.bharian.com.my.

These kids are the flood victims at the flood victim camp in Pakistan. If you look closely at the boy holding the bottle, that bottle was EMPTY. This Ramadan, a Muslim holy month, even for the non-Muslims, is a month to remember those who are suffering, those constantly in hunger. Remember the foods that we wasted. While some are having feasts (no, I have nothing against people having feasts), in another parts of the world some went days without a meal. May those relief funds and aids reach each and every one of the victims. Hope that none of (the relief funds and aids) ends in the "pocket" of those who make a profit out of people's sufferings. To such people, how could you?

Read the whole story here.

It's really the thoughts that count....

2010-09-07T07:44:00.018+08:00

Simple, thoughtful words are enough to brighten up one's day. Even well wishes on FB wall is sufficient. It made my day. What can I say? I'm the type of person who gushes simply over well wishes on my birthday. Don't ask me why. Someone said to me that ladies in general are quite particular when it comes to special dates, be it birthday, anniversary, Valentine's Day etc... while men could be quite the opposite. Of course there are exceptions to that. There are ladies who couldn't be bothered and there are men who remember or take the efforts not to forget the special dates. Anyway, this person being the opposite gender takes a measure to make sure that important dates are not missed.

I consider myself a "remember-special-dates" person. I make sure that I know my parents', siblings', kids', hubby's, my sister-in-law's (brother's wife's), nieces' and nephew's special days. Mom has a calendar almost half or about a third the size of the door with markings of everyone's birthday including my late sister's. It is displayed outside her door and to get downstairs my eyes would never miss the calendar. I know three of my mom's siblings' birth date, two cousin's exact birth date while the rest I know only the month.

Anyway, this is not about a contest to remember people's birthday. FB makes it so easy for the daily FB'ers. The names of the birthday persons are displayed there and to take the effort to post it on the birthday person's wall or to send a message to his/her inbox even if one doesn't really know that person well is a sweet gesture. I am not saying that one should check on one's FB every day and wish every birthday person on his/her wall. If one does that, it would be nice. What I am talking about is of people who have relationships....particularly when they are each other's half. While I am still feeling the warm from all the birthday wishes, I did have a mixed feeling of strange, huge relief and a tinge of sadness (I'd be lying if I say I didn't mind) that my special day seem to slip from the mind of the person who shares life with me.

At first, I thought, OK maybe he's too busy because almost all of his colleagues have started their Hari Raya holidays and that he has too much to think of. Quoting him, "kapal mana cuti". By the way, he's in forwarding/logistic. I don't know where the idea came from but I suddenly did not feel like announcing the date that marks the day I was born like I always did before this. The reason for the announcement was to ensure that I get to eat the cheese cake I like *yummy*...carrot cheese cake *double yummy*

I know for a fact that he is not a "remember-special-dates" person. I am not sure if he remembers his parents birthdays because last time I asked I don't remember him giving the answer. My sister-in-law is the one who always reminds him of his siblings' and my parents-in-law's birthdays. I have quizzed him several times on the date of our wedding anniversary and each time no straight answer that I just give up asking. Hmm .... maybe the no-straight-answer is a strategy. If it is, he is succeeding for I have very little interest in asking him about the date anymore. In fact, I'd be surprised if he even remembers the date. I am not sure if he remembers the kids' exact birth date.

Anyway, one has to accept the fact that there are people who marks certain dates, be it on their minds or written somewhere or stored electronically and then there are people who don't give a fuss. After all, is it listed in the rules of life that one has to remember special dates? <-- Trying to put myself in his shoes. I have one confession though. How it slipped my mind is beyond me. I think that was in 2001 or 2002. My colleagues and I went for a "buka puasa" at Tang Dynasty hotel and don't know what came over me, I totally forgotten that that day was his birthday. He called me while I was eating and then something in my mind just rang or rather exploded and I realized it was his birthday soon as I heard his voice. I did apologize (and really felt like kicking myself that time) and he said he didn't mind and I felt so, so, so slapped with guilt that it has bugged me ever since that I would make sure that I don't forget his birthday. Never thought that I was the one to forget birthdays. It is something like a curse that doesn't harm anyone but that I had to carry the guilt and I can say this for sure, the curse was lifted up yesterday. Hence the relief feeling *phew*. So you see, I did it first so I can't really blast it on him for that now, can I? BUT ( a huge, different colored, bold-ed "but" here) I did wish it on the same day (oh my, luckily the food didn't drop from my mouth when I was hit with the realization or I would've created a scene there).

Because I would usually start announcing birthdays (mine including the kids') days and even weeks before the actual dates, the dates must have registered in his mind that he would usually wish it early in the morning. Morning came and went, afternoon came and went. The evening he said he was invited for "buka puasa" and that later he was going to play badminton. Spending time alone with the kids was (and will always be) priceless. So the next day, which is today, I am filled with mountains of curiosity as to how long it would take him to remember my birthday. Oh by the way, I don't think he reads this because if he does, he would've noticed it if he read yesterday's entry.

You might say, what is it this huge obsession about birthday? And you might add, every day should be a special day. Well, yes, every day should be a special day but on the date that marks your entry to the world, that day is an extra special day. And everyone is ENTITLED to have one day as a day to remember by. Not asking for much...just the simple two words, "Happy Birthday". Is that too hard to say?

So guys (and gals) out there, it doesn't hurt and certainly won't kill you to take the effort to mark special dates unless of course, if she is the type of person who doesn't give a care about special dates. It's only once a year, what. But of course, if you decided to get a tattoo to mark the date or dates on part or parts of your body and it just so happened that the needle was not sterilized and infection followed soon after and you didn't take care of it, then it may kill you. Otherwise, it doesn't kill to make one day of the whole 365 days (or 366 days on a leap year) a memorable one to the person who "celebrates" it.

It did cross my mind and I am really curious to know if he ever forgets his birthday and I am highly inclined to believe that he might. If memory serves me right, there may have been a time or two that he didn't realize it was his birthday. Well, almost, that is.

Anyway, the clock is ticking. Let's see how long it takes for him to remember. What if .... he is in a confused state seeing that I say nothing that relates to my birthday.

Oh well....life is like that.

.... blessed .....

2010-09-06T08:43:00.003+08:00

If it is in my power, I would like to freeze this moment and let everything else stop moving. I'd capture the moment and put it where I could always see it. It'd be an instant refresher for each time I feel like I'm dragging myself, I'd look at it and I'd be on my feet again in no time.

Nothing beats the feeling of knowing and believing that one is blessed. Not even when people say that Lady Luck won't go knocking on one's door. I may not have the luck but I know I am blessed. The comforting thoughts that we are not alone in our journey and that He is there in every steps are what make our lives worthwhile. I don't have everything that I want and believe me, I want A LOT of things but I'd like to focus on God's blessings poured upon me. My beautiful family (each and everyone in my family whether tied by blood or by marriage), my job, whatever I have, all the people in my life, the opportunities to see and marvel His breathtaking creations, those lessons learned....everything.

Those who come into my life albeit for such a short time. Those who God made our paths crossed and made impacts on my life. I thank God even for the "short meetings" when our paths crossed for in those brief moments, my heart and eyes are open on certain matters. There are a number of God-sent "strangers", acquaintances, long-lost friends... those people that time and circumstances did not permit us to know more of each other, I would really, really like to personally thank these people for being part of and "contributing" to the life lessons I've learnt but I guess I'd just be content with having those times. To those people concerned, you have no idea how thankful I am that our paths have crossed. Praise the Lord!

My friend, Jasni wrote this on my wall along with the birthday wish, (quoting him) Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him,and he will make your paths straight."

I am 34 today. Am I wiser than last year? Probably. Would I make the same decisions I made a decade or 4, 5, 6 years ago? Probably yes, probably no. But I do understand some of those life questions that have previously been nudging me, things that I have been wondering about and asking myself "how could this and this, such and such". I don't have the answers but understanding is enough.

I must admit, I feel that I've aged a lot more that my real age and I know I haven't been taking care of myself, often putting off things like going to the aerobics class or to the gym or cycling (basikal pancit belum kena pom lagi) or jogging and making excuses after another on religiously continuing or rather restarting the healthy eating lifestyle that lasted only a few days since I started it *tsk tsk tsk*. Like everyone else is saying, age is just a number. Yep! You can be in your 30's and look like you never left your 20's (plus a bonus of looking even better) *i wish, i wish, i wish, i wish*. A reminder to myself, must go jogging today or any activities that will make me sweat. *in inspired mood after watching Lose It With Jillian*. Hmm since today is my birthday, can I wish for Jillian to be my personal fitness trainer for one month? One month only, can?

Taken from the FB app. today and I thought it's good to share:

On this day of your life, Jennifer, we believe God wants you to know ... that every day you are choosing either to be grateful or to be disappointed.
	You can worry to no end about what you don't have. Or you can marvel at God's breathtaking gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Could you create any of these? These miracles of life are always around you, ready to be celebrated, ready to be welcomed into your life.

....trapped in a cage meant for the other person...

2010-09-03T11:51:00.000+08:00

How many times have we heard that life is not fair, that life is good and all the blah blahs about life? Well, yeah life is whatever you say it is. We are humans and that the undeniable fact is that we make mistakes. Some, a lot more than the others. Some takes preventive measures to avoid making one. Some just plain don't care, saying "yeah..this happened but I do not want to face such and such actions".

Let's say, hypothetically speaking, someone makes a mistake and that someone has two choices to "tackle" the mistakes. Let's name this person, ABC. Choice one, is to do the right thing, follow whatever procedures, guidelines, rules there are to follow. Choice two is to bend around the rules or to manipulate the "system" so as to make it as if the mistake never happens. Choice one, ABC owns up to his/her mistake. Regardless of the reason for that mistake, ABC will of course, have to "pay" (he/she follows the rule, remember).

Choice two is to do whatever it takes to "undo" the mistake, as though time was reversed and that the mistake never occurred. And by that, it means tracing back all the steps, destroying traces of the old trail and making a new (fake) trail. The ultimate goal is to say that the new fake trail is indeed the old trail. Which also means that other people who played a part in forming the old trail get dragged into forming the fake trail and whether they agree to it or not, they have no choice. All in the name of saving the one who makes the mistake. So there they go again. Doing the things that they need not have to do. Playing their part, one after another. Exposing themselves to risk of having to face the consequences should the lies get discovered.

This is where GHI gets into the picture. GHI was never asked of his/her opinion, some higher power has already decided. If it were up to GHI, he/she would have preferred that ABC owns up to his/her mistake. Whether by ignorance or by selfish intention, ABC fails to foresee the drawback of his/her choice. Like a boomerang, his/her choice may hit him/her back and hit all the people involved. The difference is that it was ABC's mistake.

So back to GHI. When it comes GHI's turn to play the part, he/she discovered several pieces of the puzzles that cannot be put together. No matter whichever direction he/she turns the puzzles, they just don't fit into one another. So now, GHI has to choose (even though he/she does not really have a choice) whether to expedite or to prolong the process. He/She has to turn to someone he/she deems as his/her mentor.

Remember I mentioned about ABC's ignorance/selfish intention and the boomerang? GHI knows that records of the old trail exist in places that they have no control of and if someone were to dig or just stumbled upon those records and try to put pieces of the puzzles together which leads that someone to find that something is amiss, boy, it would be another story.

So, GHI? What are you going to do about it? Play your part or refuse? Make your life easier or worry about what's going to happen? Decisions. Decisions.

Sounds familiar? I did say it is hypothetically speaking ... but if it does happen wherever it happens ... poor GHI.

..you just can't...

2010-09-02T00:55:00.000+08:00

You cannot give what you do not have.

September - Daughtry

2010-08-27T11:52:00.000+08:00

credit to musiclovers4564

Bad dream...

2010-08-27T07:23:00.000+08:00

Some people have meaningful dreams. I mean premonitions or signs of something about to happen shown in their dreams. For me? Most of the times my dreams are just what people say as "mainan tidur". Nightmares? I get that quite often. But then each person's definition of nightmare varies so what I perceive as a nightmare might not be what others perceive as nightmare.

I have these dreams that I would always say as nightmares, that would make me get up and check on the doors in the house. I remember the first time it "hit" me in my sleep. It was during the early weeks after I arrived in Flagstaff, Arizona. The seniors said that Flagstaff was (and I suppose still is) a safe town and that they usually didn't lock their doors. That night I had a very, very terrible dream. I remember what made it so terrible and scary but for some inexplicable reasons I just can't say it. I woke up with a cold sweat, heart beating so fast as if I had just ran a marathon and I don't know what led me to the door, but to the door I went and checked to see if it was locked and it wasn't. So I locked the door and checked the sliding door to the balcony and it also wasn't locked. I had a similar dream after that night but I can't remember how soon it happened after the first dream. I did the same thing, checked on the main door and the sliding door, weren't locked and I locked them.

Years later, similar dreams, checked door, door wasn't locked, locked the door. So last night, I had what I call as nightmare but I forgot what it was all about. Weird that I could remember dreams that happened over a decade ago and yet last night's dream was blurry. But it was enough to wake me up. My main concern after the dream was the kitchen door, front door and the emergency window grill. Made a mental note to get the padlock for the window grill. As for the kitchen door, one has to lock the grill and two locks for the door. And to get to the dining/living area from the kitchen, one has to go through a door.

Was in between awake and sleepy mode that I didn't get up to check on the kitchen door after Dave replied (to my asking him if he had locked the door). Eyes half open, I checked on the front door, it was locked. Still unsatisfied, I pushed the 7 liter refill bottle (of course, still filled with water) to the front door. When Dave saw the refill bottle, I explained that that was the reason I asked about the kitchen door and wanting to know if the kitchen door was really locked, he said he locked it himself last night and he also mentioned that the front door grill wasn't locked. BAMMM! So that explains the uneasy feeling despite knowing that the door was locked.

The truth is that I feel even safer with the rented house that we stayed before we moved here. The only problem was some unseen (but at certain times heard) "things" in the house.

....sick again....

2010-08-26T11:03:00.002+08:00

Had to call in sick (again) today. Migraine. Discomfort in the chest area. Not to mention the pain in the lower legs area ... can't quite explain it ... it's not really painful but it feels like being poked to the core of my leg bones. Bleh!

Darn it. This neighbour could give me heart attack *touch wood*. Why must you make those annoying sounds when you are in the bathroom (the neighbour's bathroom, of course)? I notice that any sounds (made by the person in it) coming from the neighbour's bathroom could clearly be heard by us. Blame it on the design. Which explains why I don't sing in the bathroom anymore (yipee!! to some people I suppose). Well, occasionally I may have (accidentally) let my guard down and a line from a song slips out of my mouth but then I'd stop a few seconds later knowing that the next door neighbor could also hear me.

Anyway, back to this illness. I need to do something. Maybe a total change of eating habits. Change of menu I suppose. No more caffeine *sob*. No more fried foods *sob sob*. No more cold drinks *sob sob sob*...ah tidaaaaaaak!!! Say bye bye to spicy food? *NOOOOOO!!*. Why must "healthy" foods taste so bland? And why is it that 99% of the foods and drinks that I like must be in the list-of-foods-and-drinks-to-avoid?

Combo sickness

2010-08-24T16:24:00.003+08:00

Today is my sick day. I mentioned about the throbbing headache I got during the trip back to Labuan. After taking two tablets of Panadol, the pain subsided.

Yesterday afternoon, around 3 pm I suddenly felt the gastric pain and my body went weak. Went to the Ramadan Bazaar as I wanted to eat ayam percik. We also bought sate, cendol, fried mee for Jayden and Preston, burger for Jayden and martabak. I knew that migraine attack would follow the gastric pain. But I didn't expect the pain to stay with me the whole night. Dave went to play badminton but luckily the kids were behaving. I couldn't eat. I had very little appetite. The foods tasted bland. I don't know if the foods were bland or that there was something not right with my taste bud. Initially, I didn't want to take panadol as I had consumed two tablets the day before but I couldn't stand the pain that I had to gulp two tablets.

The pain didn't go away until the next morning. I felt a bit shaky as a result of not eating enough the night before and that I am still breastfeeding Darien. The headache was so bad to the point that even looking at the PC monitor caused me to gag and I felt like there was a roller coaster in my stomach...and the pain...urghh! Dave suggested that I see the doctor so off to the doctor after sending the kids at their respective day time places.

I told the doctor of my illness. Even mentioned that I had taken two tablets of panadol that did nothing to subdue the pain to which the doctor said that I would need stronger medicines. Was given MC and 5 types of medicines to combat my COMBO illness. Two for gastric pain, one for the cough, one for migraine and Ponston. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am also coughing.

Mana tu doktor yang cakap saya tiada migraine. Not that I am proud to be attacked with migraine but to diagnose that I did not have migraine. Bikin panas. Cuba kalau dia ada penyakit lepas tu tidak kena diagnos betul-betul.

Cherry flavored cough medicine to relieve dry irritating cough. Yep! Irritating it is. Very, very irritating. Causing sleepiness though. Which I enjoyed this morning. Blissful, much needed sleep. When was the last time I had a blissful night sleep? Hmmm...

Keningau - Tambunan - Keningau - Menumbok - Labuan

2010-08-22T22:20:00.025+08:00

Aug. 21, 2010

We had breakfast with dad at the People restaurant. Jayden, Preston and Darien have eaten rice porridge earlier at home. So I didn't think that Jayden would eat more than 1 set of his favorite. I didn't know that Jayden eats popiah because he won't let any food with vegetable in it to enter his mouth. When the waiter brought the large dim sum-filled bamboo tray, he pointed out his favourite (siu mai) and the popiah. We ordered warm milo for his drink. His appetite has significantly increased ever since he started taking the Alpha Lipid, not quite sure if that has something to do with his appetite.

Let these pictures sum it all.

Finishing the first set of the siu mai.

Checking to see if there was any piece left.

Finishing the second set of siu mai.

finishing the first popiah.

Close up of him eating the popiah.

He couldn't finish the second popiah.

Notice the additional plate of kon lo mee and a piece of dad's butter bread if I'm not mistaken. He asked dad what he was eating while all the time looking at dad's butter bread and despite being told that he is already full, he asked for the bread and said "mm...sedap".

So full...

See that 32kg boy's tummy.

He couldn't finish the kon lo mee. Tamaha saja. He has this habit of having a gulp of other people's drinks, well more like few big gulps. After he was done with his milo, he came over to where I sat and asked what my drink was. I ordered iced coffee but the ice have already melted by the time I finished eating (the time when Jayden came to my place). He knew what the drink was but that was his cue for wanting to get a sip of my drink. I've drank more than half glass and he simply said, "cuba sia rasa", brought the glass to where he sat and finished MY coffee.

My handsome boy, Kompotito @ Preston.

Preston, having the deep fried yam filled with minced meat.

One siu mai for Darien.

My order.

Was too engrossed with finishing the mee hoon soup that I only remembered to take this picture. Yummy.

Darien si budak manja.

Komputih as mom calls him.

Darien sleeping mode.

Jahat oh ko Dave. Sengaja ...

Dui gia...

On the way to Tambunan.

Kuda siapa lah ni....lenggang-lenggang kangkung lagi tu masa limpas jalan

At Tambunan Hospital. Jayden "received" a gift there. When we arrived at the ward, my aunt Jane took Jayden and Preston to the Therapeutic park and according to Jane, Jayden saw some sparrows and tried to catch them, causing him to fall and scratched his right leg. My aunt was panicked when Jayden said that his leg was broken and that he couldn't walk while adding that rice were going to come out from his leg plus blood were oozing from his leg. He was saying something like, "kaki saya patah sudah. Saya tidak dapat jalan, mo keluar nasi sudah dari kaki saya" to which my aunt promptly carried him to the A&E unit and turned out that it was only a scratch. Back at the ward Jane told everything and when she came to the part about the rice coming out of his leg, I laughed and could only say, "nah ko kana tipu".

Potito terbalik selipar.

Didn't take pictures of grandpa. On Thursday, grandpa requested for the doctor to take out the liquid that caused his stomach to bloat. On Saturday, he said that his tummy has started to bloat.

Grandpa was in critical condition on Tuesday and many things happened that time. I couldn't remember everything that was said to me....so jumbled up. So I'll just say what I could remember. That afternoon, whether it was a group of people or a person from the SIB church (see I can't remember) came to the ward and to my grandpa's bed and told my aunt that the person "heard a whisper" to come to the ward to pray for my grandpa. Praise the Lord!

Grandpa during the critical condition (taken from mom's FB).

Grandpa on Wednesday (from mom's FB).

And later a Muslim came to visit his relative and got the shock of his life upon looking at my grandpa. He claimed that he saw two "makhluk halus", one sitting on my grandpa's tummy and the other on the forehead. My aunt said that he did something with his hand to get rid of the "makhlus halus". At this time she did a gesture (imitating the person) by swinging her left hand from right to left. Well, I wasn't there so I couldn't image how the situation was. My aunt told me more but like I said, they were all jumbled up.

My aunt received the Typhonium Flagelliforme or the Kapsul Keladi Tikus on Wednesday and at that time grandpa has already been consuming products of Revell and SNE. So when I asked mom if they were going to start him on the keladi tikus kapsul, she replied that grandpa said that he wanted to try the two products first. But then I was informed that my uncle, Owos started him on the keladi tikus that night.

Actually during the visit I wanted to ask him questions but was afraid to ask and I felt awkward as I didn't know what to say. Finally I summed up my courage and asked grandpa if he was in pain that time. He replied that the pain comes after he eats, it starts from the whole tummy area up to the chest. I hope the keladi tikus works. Most websites on the keladi tikus are in Indonesian language and I can understand only a bit of the language. But based on my readings the keladi tikus is supposed to repair the cells damaged by the cancer. I have read some positive testimonials from cancer survivors.

Anyway, after the visit we went to the TVRC to feed the kids the usual menu which is rice porridge. Feels like mama bird feeding baby birds, everytime...semua buka mulut macam anak burung...chirp chirp chirp. Only that, I don't feed the kids worms. There was a downpour while feeding them and it stopped after I was done feeding them. Macam tau-tau saja. So, we proceeded to the fish pond for Jayden to feed the fish. To get to the fish pond one has to walk on the suspension bridge and my oh my, punyalah penakut si Jayden. Potito walked as if it were a normal walkway, the whole time Jayden was holding on to me tightly. I think that if you walk on the suspension bridge and look at the fast streaming river below, you'll feel like you're swinging but I enjoyed it. Jayden, on the other hand, didn't like it one bit.

Actually the initial plan was to go to the restaurant but it was closed so we ended up feeding the fish. Jayden particularly liked it when the fish "competed" with each other to get those tiny bits of foods. Potito saw us throwing the foods towards the fish so wanting him to experience feeding the fish, I put the pallets on his palms but I gaped at what he did next. It happened so quickly, he put the pallets on his mouth the moment I put them on his palm. The grimace on his face was enough to tell the pallets taste. I took out the pallets from his mouth but couldn't contain my laughter. Adoii ni budak...

Later, after three plastics of fish foods we decided to go back to the car which was on the side of the river, which meant that Jayden had to pass that suspension bridge again. Jayden was of course holding on tightly. This time an idea was brewing on my mind and I stopped in the middle of the bridge and told Jayden that he has to walk on his own. He tried one step and stopped and said that he couldn't. I asked again and he tried again, still couldn't walk on his own. So back to tightly holding on to mommy.

We saw a cafe near where we parked and went to have our lunch.

Pot, the one who has the largest eyes in the family

My order. There was an initial confusion during ordering time. The waitress asked whether I wanted mee basah or mee goreng basah. Errrr...bukan sama saja kah tu? She said that for mee goreng basah, the yellow noodle is fried. Jadi mee basah macam mana lah tu? Anyway, I ordered mee goreng basah.

Not bad.

The Japanese bean curd was lacking in something though. Looks wise is OK. Taste-wise? Quite strong flavor but not the flavor that I liked. Wah! Macam juri kunun. Probably because we asked for the minced fish instead of minced chicken. Nasib tidak order yang campur sama sotong. I don't know why but the whole time eating the fish, flashes of the fish at the fish pond were dancing in my mind and felt my appetite gradually decreasing. But I finished my plate though HAH.

Preston having a bit of my mee goreng basah.

Jayden eating Dave's order - fried noodles. I don't know just how many spoonfuls of noodles that Dave managed to eat. Was too "focused" on my food despite the gradually decreasing appetite each time my sense of taste recognized the fish taste. Macam tidak masak saja tu ikan. But overall the foods were okay.

Went to Kiawayan afterwards. My uncle, Matus gave Jane the soursop. Oh, earlier during our visit at the hospital, my uncle Owos mentioned about the health benefits of the soursop and was busy asking around for soursop. Mom didn't really agree with the idea of grandpa consuming the fruit because it could cause more bloating, plus it is sour which is not quite recommendable for someone who has pain in the stomach. She had no objection if it was an extract of the soursop in a capsule form. Later it was decided that a portion of the soursop be blended for grandpa to drink. So my two aunts, Jane and Isah took the soursop juice to the hospital.

Had dinner. About an hour later, my aunts were back with my grandma but then it was time for us to go to Keningau. I could see that grandma was very tired as she was asleep as soon as she got home. Felt bad for not staying overnight. Maybe next time. I miss chit chatting with my aunts. There are always things to laugh about during our chit chat.

Back to Labuan the following day, which is today. The ferry was on time. Reached Labuan at 5.45pm with a throbbing headache tagging along...URGHH!

Keningau .. Tambunan

2010-08-21T10:37:00.003+08:00

We're in Keningau and going to Tambunan in a short while. The weather was super fine last night so we went straight to Keningau. It was the shortest trip we have ever had last night. Ferry didn't take a long time to load all the vehicles. I think it had something to do with having fewer "smaller" vehicles...more lorries/trailers. We reached Menumbok at 8.50pm. Arrived Keningau at 11.15pm. We would have arrived earlier if it weren't for being the last vehicle to exit the ferry.

Labuan - Menumbok - KK/Keningau?

2010-08-20T17:06:00.004+08:00

We're going back to the bigger land tonight. Been known as one who, at numerous times, make impromptu (another way of saying that yours truly is a last-minute kind of person) decisions, it comes as no surprise that until now we have yet to decide whether to go straight to Keningau or to KK first then to Keningau. But the no-decision is for a valid reason. See, it all depends on the weather when we reach the Kimanis roundabout. If it rains and I mean the heavy-downpour-causing-low-visibility kind of rain then we'll go to KK and proceed to Tambunan (then Keningau) the next day but if mother nature decides to take pity on us then we'll be in Keningau by midnight or before that, I hope.

It is drizzling in Labuan now. Hoping for a fine weather tonight. Unlike our balik kampung trips before, we've packed our things since yesterday and we'll still have time to look for foods (dinner)....uh oh...driver is here...gotta go.

Liu Wei - Armless Pianist - Amazing

2010-08-19T13:49:00.002+08:00

This would put those whiners to shame.

credit to cylsae

I particularly like the part when he said (translated to English) "I think I only have two choices in my life....either die now, or live a wonderful life".

What I have been doing.....

2010-08-18T13:28:00.002+08:00

I've been alternating between pleading to the Lord above and mentally asking grandpa to stay strong. I'd close my eyes and say "...Jesus....". I'd close my eyes again and say "..apaa, kasi kuat semangat pa". Holding a deep breath and exhaling. Feels like a sense of calmness is hugging me.

........as long as there is hope.....

2010-08-17T17:09:00.006+08:00

Each time I hear the sms tone on my phone, I have to take a deep breath. Grandpa's condition has been up and down. I had been texting my mom and Jane since this morning. These are the stats of his condition based on the sms I got from mom and Jane:-

10.40 am - Bapa very ill tp dengar jga dan angguk kepala. Pakai oxygen. Mama high bp owos jga dia. (from mom)

10.46 am - Bapa kritikal suda. Sa tidak dpt jaga dia. Sa jaga mama d kecemasan dia pitam tadi (from Jane)

11.58 am - Aku jaga mama. Onoi jaga bapa. Yg lain berkeliaran d luar. (from mom)

12.06 pm - Aku pun taktau pasal bapa. Ada oxygen besambung. (from mom)

2.38pm - ....... keadaan bapa kritikal. Kadang2 dia ok kdg2 x ok. (from Jane)

5.07 pm - condition very fine now. (from mom)

8.41 pm - Aiyah teruk lagi tp dapat cakap juga..on oxygen (from mom)

Many times I've mentally talked to grandpa to stay strong. Somehow I believe that if we think strongly about something or someone and that we need to convey something to that person, somehow our message will reach that person.

I can only pray for bapa's recovery.

I am still holding on to this hope....I haven't let go of this hope .... bapa is a strong hearted person, his will to live is high. I believe that he is fighting with all the inner strength he has. We came to see him last weekend not for the sake of seeing him for the last time but we came to support him, to tell him that we care and love him even though we didn't say it to him but we know he knows it and feels it, to give him reasons for him to keep fighting. Keep fighting, apaa.

.................still hoping......................

2010-08-17T10:32:00.004+08:00

Saw mom's status saying that grandpa is very ill and that he has been injected with morphine. Mom is in Tambunan Hospital.

Received an sms from my aunt Jane. She said my grandpa is in critical condition. Grandma fainted upon seeing grandpa's condition. Jane is taking care of my grandma now.

Received mom's sms. Said that bapa is very ill but he can still hear and nod his head. He's on oxygen.

Called my cousin who is studying at UMS. Didn't know how to tell her so I started with a question asking if she knew of grandpa's condition. She said she knew nothing and that nobody told her. I was surprised that nobody told her and I wonder if her mom didn't want her to know because she didn't want my cousin to worry. So I told her that bapa is warded in the hospital and that his condition is not good and said to her that I'll keep her informed.

I am in my office, shaking ................... and I'm trying to hold back my tears. I don't want anyone to see me crying.

I just got back from KK yesterday morning. All of us went back by speedboat from Labuan after Jayden's performance last Saturday. Mom and dad fetched us at Menumbok. Went to KK to pick up my two brothers and straight to Tambunan Hospital. It was past the visiting hours so we waited for Jane to let us in.

Except for his bloated tummy, grandpa looked fine when we see him and he even joked when he saw little Darien. Everyone says that Darien looks like him particularly the eyes. Even grandpa says so. So we left the hospital feeling that tiny spark of hope.

The next day, we went to see him again before we left for KK. This time only my two brothers, mom and I were there visiting him. Jane said that he has infection in his lungs. When we got to his bed, we suddenly saw his chest heaved and he cried. For the first time in my life, I saw my grandpa cried. We were all trying to calm him and I held his hand for a brief moment then I let go and sat at a chair hidden from his view. And there I started crying. My youngest brother held his hand. My two aunts were crying. Grandpa said that he couldn't see.

Mom said we had to make a move as it was almost 1 pm and she feared that we would miss the last speedboat to Labuan. It was raining when we reached KK and mom didn't feel so good about us going back by speedboat with the waves and us bringing along the 3 kids so we decided to go back early the next morning.

My other brother and his wife and kids reached KK later in the evening and he said that bapa was fine and could see and he even cracked jokes to which all of them laughed. So confusing...

At the time that we went to see him, it was at 12.35pm. We went back 10 minutes later. At 12.50pm there were a group of people who asked my aunts if they wanted them to pray over and so they prayed and according to my uncle, grandpa asked who prayed for him at 12.50pm. He said he felt so good at that time and my uncle said that he'll bring grandpa to the church when he get better.

First the liver, then his lungs. One by one, his organs are affected. But I'm still holding on to that "belief" that there is still hope. Going back to Tambunan this Saturday.

I'm still hoping.....hoping for a miracle. I've ordered the "keladi tikus " capsule yesterday. Claimed to cure cancer. But right now I don't know ......

... pasrah ....

2010-08-13T09:00:00.012+08:00

This lump in my throat keeps coming back, tears keep welling in my eyes every time it crosses my mind. It is never easy to contain this dam of mixed emotions. Feels like it's about to burst anytime.

I was in KLIA waiting for my flight to Labuan when I received an sms from my mom saying that my maternal grandpa (whom we call 'bapa') has been admitted to the hospital. Called mom to ask about bapa's condition. I didn't think much of it at first but another sms from mom the following day triggered these emotions that have enveloped me ever since.

" .... tiada harapan .... kalau mau tengok masa dia hidup terpulang sama kamu...". Those were among the lines in her message. I called Jane, mom's youngest sister to know the details. Her voice was calm but I know that she is trying very hard to stay strong. She was there and has always been there from the start of this "situation". She has a heart of gold with an inner strength of a steel and having to face many heart jolting circumstances while trying not to break down, I don't know what to say to her to comfort her. What I am feeling, she is feeling it a hundred times greater. All there is, is silence when it comes to finding words of comfort to offer for her and for the rest of the family members.

My grandpa's frequent "stay" at the hospital last year led him to being diagnosed as having stomach ulcer. The doctor suspected that he might be having stomach cancer but then after some tests were done, he was given the all-clear but that he has to watch his diet and went on a no-solid diet since last year, eating only rice porridge. Earlier this year he underwent a surgery to remove some kind of a growth but I can't remember whether the growth was in his stomach or colon.

I think it was a week after the surgery, my aunt sent a message in my FB inbox saying what we had feared before. Bapa has stomach cancer. She was at loss on how to inform my grandparents of the news. After the discussions among mom's siblings, they decided that it was best not to inform him and my grandma so as not to "weaken" his spirit and not to put more stress on grandma, who herself, is of poor health. Grandma (mama as we fondly call her) is a worry-wart (a trait that seems to run in my blood and constantly plaguing my mind) and EVERYONE in the family knows that and they worried that if the truth were told that things may turn out for the worst.

My mom and her siblings are the only ones who knew the stage of bapa's cancer. Even after knowing that he has cancer, I thought that it was an early stage detection and at one point believed that the cancer cells had been removed during the surgery. I knew latter that his cancer has reached the critical stage and that my aunts and uncles have been informed that due to his age, his body might not be strong enough to endure chemotherapy.

Bapa's cancer has spread to his liver and not quite sure what the medical term is but there's water in his liver. Mom said that his stomach is bloating for not being able to excrete naturally. There were talks about surgery but with some of his vital organs beginning to cease functioning, they decided to not to. What is left now is palliative care for bapa. My aunts and uncles were given the option to let bapa stay at Keningau Hospital or to transfer to Tambunan Hospital. I think they opt for the latter since it is the nearest to home and my aunt works there so it'll be easier for her and everyone to care for bapa.

Mom and my aunt Jane had informed mama but she might have mistaken bapa's condition to ulcer. It was after my other aunt explained to her that there won't be any medications given or any other treatment methods other than the painkiller to subdue the pain, that she broke down.

Poor grandma. Poor, poor grandma. I love you mama. She worries too much that many times truth were hidden from her knowledge so as not to aggravate her health condition and her worries. Even when baby Darien was warded at Hospital Likas for having bronchiolitis when he was a month old, nobody said a word about it.

I can't hold my tears knowing that bapa hides his pain while at the same time tries to cheer mama.

So what now? When all else fail, when all the things that are humanly possible have been done and when scientifically, experts opinions have stated that nothing else could be done, there is only one thing to hope for which is .... MIRACLE. Miracles happen. It has happened before, it will happen again but all according to God's will. The next best thing to do is to ACCEPT that whatever happens, it is all in God's will. So we pray for miracles to happen, pray for the strength and the courage to face the dark hours, prepare for whatever comes in the way.

I'm going back to Tambunan tomorrow afternoon. Jayden is having his school's talent event tomorrow so I'm going back after that. We haven't decided if all of us will go back since the main ferry is currently under maintenance, which means we have to queue up in the waiting list area and there's no guarantee if waiting list could get a chance since the Ferry corp is using the smaller ferry. So, have to go by speedboat. For sure, I'll be carrying baby Darien with me and mom and dad will fetch us at Menumbok.

I am hoping for miracles to happen but if it doesn't turn out as we hope for, I hope that he is given long enough time for me to see him for the last time.

Again? Deym...

2010-07-21T08:22:00.003+08:00

It happened again. Another email from my HOTMAIL account was sent to everyone on my contact list. Aishhhh!!! I haven't been in contact with quite a number of people in my contact list and some I do not personally know but that I may have bought something from them online, so I saved their emails so that it would be easier for future purchases. While some "strangers" are people that I used to correspond with to settle some matters and that I had forgotten to delete them from my address list.

Urghh! Embarrassing! I mean, being part of those sending spam-like emails, although NOT INTENTIONALLY, this is rather embarrassing considering that I really, really DESPISE spams. *>.<* To those who were sent an email dated 21st July, 2010, with the subject "hi k" PLEASE JUST DELETE THE E-MAIL. Do not even open it.

I am afraid to look at the replies I got from those in my contact list (whom I do not know personally). I am beginning to think that I may be creating an impression of being part of a spam ring or something because this is the second time it happened so for those who are in my contact list, who knows you might stumbled upon this entry, I am very sorry. I have sent everyone an apology email. Like I said, I shall do some spring cleaning on my contact list.

Jayden's wish list...

2010-06-16T08:41:00.005+08:00

About two months ago he kept asking for us to go to KL. Once when Dave and the kids sent me to the airport he asked me where I was going and I said that I had to go to KL and immediately he sat on my lap, asking me to bring him along. That was the first time I had to be away from baby Darien and I felt like crying. We had a tough time to ask Jayden to let me out of the car and it was less than 30 minutes before the departure. Anyway, for the whole month he kept talking about KL and we kept saying that we have to save some money in order to go there.

I was quite surprised when Jayden mentioned about our trip to KL last year. He remembered where we went and what he saw and what he wanted but we didn't buy and even asked me why we didn't buy it for him. Last year in KL, we went to the zoo (eh macam lagu tu fast food pula, let's go to the zoo bergembira di situ makanannya lazat sehingga menjilat jari) and he saw the Bumblebee toy near the entrance/exit but we didn't buy it.

He was saying something like this:-

Jayden : mommy, di zoo Te Kel tu ada bumblebee tu yang dekat tandas tu kenapa mommy tidak beli?
me : *dumbfounded for a few seconds*

Then I said to Dave, "wah kalau janji ni bahaya oh, dia ingat oh". Like Phua Chu Kang always says, don't play play ah.

Well, that was two months ago. Now he keeps talking about Disneyland. Nah!! Lagi mahal mana mau korek duit. Actually it started last month but we were in the midst of moving to our house now so that took it off his mind and he resumed his usual "mo-pigi-disneyland" yesterday. Not once but many times I lost count of the number of times he said that. We said that we have to save up before we can go there because we'll be needing a lot more money if we were to go there. I have to say that to him, whether he is old enough to understand the need to save up or the value of money, that'll take some time but we need to instill that moral value (with regards to saving $$$) to him. Speaking of the value of money, oh this boy recognizes RM50 notes. I only knew the 20 and 50 cents shilling when I was his age ... tsk.. tsk.

So now he still keeps his "mo-pigi-disneyland" but he has added the "simpan-duit-dulu?". Last year he said he wanted to go to Australia to see the kangaroo but luckily he saw kangaroos (wallabies actually) at the KL zoo so we could put the go-down-under in the bottom rank of our wish list. This year he said he wanted to go to the zoo to see the penguin. Well, there was a signpost showing a penguin on it when we went last year but when we went to the supposed place, there was a "coming soon" sign but we did inform Jayden that the penguin's home was not ready yet. He figured that this year the penguin must have been there already.

Back to the Disneyland matter, much as I want to go there, the rest of this year is for making some wise financial decisions (and actions). We just bought a house, a small house with a price that could put a wide gape on people from outside of this island upon hearing the price. But to the Labuanites or to the people who reside here, they say that the price is reasonable. Even I, occasionally, shake my head in disbelief at seeing the price put on houses for sale here. You have to have a lot and I mean LOTS'A LOTS'A money to own a double-storey semi-D here. But it's better than renting though....ngam ngam EPW lagi tu ansuran bulanan.

Anyway, I'd like to see a minimum payment of RM0 on my credit card statements. Can hardly wait for Ms Kia Sephia installment to be RM0. 4 more months then we can breathe a bit easily. We can liken our monthly installments/minimum payments as hands choking our necks. The more we have to cough out, the more hands we feel on our necks. So once the amount is reduced, we'll feel like some hands are taken off from our necks.

So Disneyland? Hmmm....that'll have to wait. In the mean time, I'm off hunting for lucky draws and entering contests that could perhaps shorten the waiting time to go to Disneyland. Ahh but with this boy, maybe by that time he'll be asking to go somewhere else.

Lord Almighty,

Bless my family and I thank You, I thank You Lord for all the blessings poured upon our lives. And also thank You for the lessons that I thought were obstacles thrown on my path.

Amen.

online shoppings from the eyes of a shopaholic wannabe ...

2010-06-15T08:16:00.010+08:00

There are tons of reasons why I'm here in this island. One of them is so that I can keep my tremendous love for shopping at bay because you don't get many things here. A few years back when we only had Jayden, I was frequently out-stationed to KL and every time, the moment I stepped into the shopping mall, my, oh my, I would lose my mind. I don't know about other people but to me shopping is therapeutic. And getting both hands full with different stores' shopping bags to the point of "suffocating" your fingers (you know... when your fingers turn purplish because of all the weight) and getting blister on your feet. Despite the pains, you still put on a big smile on your face ... aaaaaahh what a blissful feeling. Oh by the way, I just can't get enough of the "Confessions of a shopaholics" movie.

Now with 2 active boys and Darien, the baby-who-would-not-want-to-stay-still-and-also-wants-to-join-the-fun, being with them in a shopping mall gives a whole different meaning to shopping. No longer do I scrutinize each and every piece of clothing being displayed. Now, it's a fast scanning of the whole clothing area, having to extend my (already limited) vision (you know, short-sighted) and trying to spot whichever item or items I like (from afar), get to the location of the item, hand the baby to whoever (family member, of course) is following, get into the dressing room and if it fits, straight to the cashier.

With 3 kids tagging along, you just can't afford to spend more time. Decisions have to be made, PRONTO! So all the while from wherever I stand to the location of the item that attracts me, each step that I take is a decision making process and I need to have mentally decided to buy that item before trying it out. And with the little ones being kids in a large area, you'll be wishing for extra eyes to be installed at the back and each side of your head while secretly wishing that you have telepathic power to tell the kids to behave and I'm sure quite a number of parents face the situation where the kids suddenly thought that they are immune from being scolded whenever they are out in public.

OK, put that aside. I thought that with me being far away from places that would turn me into a crazy "rambang mata" lady cures me. So, I'm fine for a while. But now comes this recent wave that could put me in a "dangerous" situation. These photo albums on FB. All displaying beautiful clothes. You look at one album, browse hundreds of photos and all the while saying to yourself "Wow! Would be nice to have this". And you look at the next album and you find yourself saying "my oh my oh my oh my soooooooooooo pretty". Aarrgghhhh!!! HELP!! Not one but thousands of photos showing a wide range of clothing items.

I suppose, the negative side of doing online window shopping (technically you can call it window shopping, just assume that your monitor is a window hehehe) is that it clouds your mind from the reality. The advertisers know that many people are attracted to beautiful things and they show these cutesy, pretty, slim models wearing the clothes making us, the e-window shoppers want to buy the clothes. I think that, whether we realize it or not, psychologically deep in us we wish to look like those people wearing the clothes on sale, hence the buying happens.

Like it or not, we live in a world that puts too much HOO HAA on beauty. Maybe not the whole world but there's a side of this world that does that and it's like a black hole. It could suck you in it. Did I make myself clear? No? OK, let me make it simple. Put a cloth on a pretty, slim lady and put the "exact copy" of the cloth on a scarecrow for example. Which of the two sells?

Just yesterday I was browsing a number of FB clothing shops and while looking at the price for each item I was comparing them with almost similar clothes that I've seen and touch at the brick-and-mortar shops and, I was like "hmm...not bad in terms of the price". But like I said, we only get to see them (particularly when we see them for the first time or that we haven't bought the items before), we don't get to touch or try the materials and therein lies the danger of having our brains perceive the item as something that we wish to see rather that what it really is. We may find ourselves comparing between things that what we have seen and touched and things that we virtually see.

One of the perks of online shopping is that the waiting for the order to reach our doorsteps prolongs our anticipation but that could also serve as a double edge sword because the moment we open the package, we may be in for a surprise (plummeting us from cloud nine to the ground). The waiting time in between may turn our expectation into something that is a far cry from the real deal thus we are excited to wait for our order to arrive because by now we may have been waiting for whatever expectation we put on the ordered item and not for what we have actually paid for. And as it is with perception, we may find ourselves getting disappointed with what we have bought, thinking that we don't get the value for the money we have spent because we don't get what we WISH to get when in fact the items we bought were the exact ones being displayed. So bear in mind that what you see may not exactly be what your mind perceives it to be. Happy shopping though :-)

Take note that, I'm not putting down on online shopping, in fact, I feel like any time now, I'm about to be sucked into the black hole of the FB shops. Why I say that it is a black hole? Because the magnet is too strong that I have to hold on something firm to stay grounded. And what keeps me saying a firm NO at this moment is the fact that I haven't lose all the extra fats. Hoo boy when that happens, all hell breaks loose.

Can I achieve it?

2010-05-18T11:29:00.002+08:00

I am attempting something that is almost impossible given the amount of time I have or lack thereof. I'm going to KL tomorrow. My flight is in the evening. And I need to "produce" AT LEAST 50 oz of milk (McB). So I have today until tomorrow before 4 pm to get a total 50 oz for Darien's. Of the 50 oz, 20 oz will be for tomorrow at the babysitter's place, 10 oz will be in the evening and the remaining 20 oz for Thursday at the babysitter's place. My flight back to Labuan is Thursday evening. No time to write much ... need to pump, pump, pump.

.. moving out and moving in...

2010-05-14T14:58:00.002+08:00

We've bought a house, smaller than the one we're renting now. There are so many things to do, I'm so tired. Internet connection will be cut by today before we can use it at our home. Part of me still want to stay until next weekend but we have to move by this weekend because I'm going to KL next week.

So sad to leave this place. We've stayed here since February 2007. Before that, I was staying (alone) at the IOFC apartment for 16 months. I have become so attached to this house and it is going to take some time adjusting to the new place. I don't know if it is just me or if everyone feels like this but whenever I stay at one place, I tend to grow fonder to the place, hence that feeling of being attached (at heart) to the place will always happen.

I think the only time that I was glad of moving out of the house was way back during my college days when we moved from the rented house to the house that my parents and siblings are staying at now. I couldn't wait to get out of that haunted house.

Oh, we went to the doctor today and a surgeon from Hospital Likas is scheduled to be at Hospital Labuan to perform the surgery in September. September 24, 2010 to be exact. But if for some reason the surgeon doesn't make it at that time, then maybe we'll have to go to KK for the surgery. Preston's babysitter hopes that surgery takes place when he is an adult. She often says, "kesian bah masih kecil" whenever the surgery matter comes out in our conversation. She loves the kids that she looks after. That is one of the reasons that I still stick to her.

Need to get our house ready by the time the kids get home.

.. appointment postponed ..

2010-05-12T15:50:00.001+08:00

Just got a call from the hospital. The appointment is postponed to Friday morning. Hmmm......

... Kompotito potito ....

2010-05-11T15:59:00.002+08:00

I had been waiting for an important call since early this year. Finally got the call today. It's from the hospital. Last year we made an appointment with the surgeon to check on Preston and as we were informed that there is no pediatric surgeon here, we had to wait for the pediatric surgeon (did I get the term right?) from KK to make a visit here. The call today was to inform us that there is no visiting doctor but the doctor here wants to see Preston this Thursday at 10 am.

I still hope that he doesn't have to go through surgery. But if that is what the doctor says the best thing to do then surgery it is. I have mentioned Preston's condition to quite a number of people and also told them about the option for surgery (it's either that or just let it be) and I got mixed reactions. Some say "can't it wait until he is a bit older" while some suggested for us to seek traditional method. Those in medical line say that it is better to go for surgery.

Being a worry wart is not helpful at this time. Those suppressed thoughts and feelings are beginning to rush into my mind and I am hit by fears, a lot of things to fear for, a lot of what-ifs and just yesterday when I watched a scene in the OT on Grey's Anatomy I was wondering if I could be in the OT.

I had actually asked a doctor about the operation and he said that it is considered a minor procedure and that it only involves local anesthetic. I don't remember what he said about the length of the scar. Healing takes about a week. A pediatrician (in KK) that we used to go too said that it is a minor procedure but finding what they are supposed to find may not be that easy. Every time we went to the pediatrician, I would be asking that same must-he-go-through-surgery question and each time that it-is-the-best reply would come out of his mouth.

So, we'll see what the doctor will say this Thursday.

How does one explain a particular spelling to a 5-year old?

2010-05-10T15:49:00.006+08:00

Jayden's latest obsession is the Ultraman Cosmos. From the series soundtrack to the clips on YouTube, everything is about Ultraman. He even asks for the spelling of ultraman. So this was our conversations last Sunday:-

Jayden : Macam mana spelling dia tu ultraman?

Me : U-L-....

Jayden : Bukan ... ultraman *saying this word by word as if teaching someone to say it the first time*

Me : U-L ...

Jayden : Bukan ... ultraman bah.

Me : Iya lah, ultraman lah. U-L ...

Jayden : Bukan ...

And then I remembered what his principal said about one of their lessons at school which involves flash card, pronunciation of each of the letter (alphabet) and pronunciation of some words. If one has seen Word World on Playhouse Disney channel, it is something like that. Example, A is 'Ah' (as in open your mouth and say ah), B is 'Beh' (it's like you pronounce 'the' but add more emphasis on the 'h' and switch the 't' to 'b'). I figured, U must be 'uh' as in 'ooh' so that was probably why Jayden didn't let me finish the spelling.

Dave was saying something but I forgot what it was. I think Dave was trying to explain the real pronunciation of 'ultraman' to Jayden but he just wouldn't take the spelling.

Me : ?????? (camana mau kasi terang)

Finally, I said...

Me : O-T-R-A-M-A-N

Jayden : Ooooh...

How to explain that?

Happy Mother's Day ... (belated)

2010-05-10T14:52:00.003+08:00

Happy Mother's Day to my dearest mom. A little late to wish Mother's day in this part of the world but probably in other part of the world, it is still Sunday, the day to celebrate all the moms. To us, your off springs, you are the greatest mom in the world. To your off springs' off springs, you are a great popo. Kalau kena marah si Jayden cari popo.

I pray for the Lord to bless you, to keep you in the best of health, to protect you, to heal you in whatever areas of your life that need healing, to give you the inner peace which you seek for and may the Lord grant whatever your heart hopes for. When you are overwhelmed with worries, fears and other cares that seem to bring you down, surrender them all to Him who cares and who provides for us. We are weak but in Him we find strength.

Happy mama's day, mom! And here's mmmmuaaahhhhh from Jayden, Preston and Darien.

To all the mothers in the world, wherever you are, Happy Mother's Day.

this one kid says the darndest thing

2010-05-07T08:58:00.006+08:00

Ever since last weekend, Jayden has been calling me "mamu". Don't ask me where he got that, I have no idea. It started when he asked me if he could call me "mamu". When I asked why, he said "ya lah". Then I said to call me "mommy". But he kept calling me "mamu" and each time I kept saying "mommy". And then I just gave up.

He is a growing kid who goes through phases and probably he is in some kind of phase right now. Initially, I was OK with him calling me "mamu" until Dave started opening his mouth. He said, "tau juga dia pasal ko. tu dia panggil ko mammoth". Well, he was saying something about Jayden calling me "mamu" as a short-form for mammoth. At the mention of the word "mammoth", my brain must have processed that info so now each time Jayden calls me mamu, the image of the 10,000 B.C.'s mammoth will appear in my mind. And the longer the image lingers in my mind, the facial area seems to morph into my face.

Many kids I know (or if I don't know the kids, I know their parents) have this tendency to defy what they're being told not to do. If the parents say don't do this, then that is the one that they will do. And Jayden is in this group. Yesterday, he called me "mamu" again and repeated his question of whether he can call me "mamu". When I said, "yes", he called me "mommy" again. But not for long, he started his mamu, mamu again. It was also yesterday when I gave him the silent treatment. I pretended I didn't hear him calling me (mamu, mamu, mamu). Probably not wanting to be ignored, he called me mommy again. Then when I responded, then he resumed his mamu-calling mode again. Oh, but one thing I noticed though, when he wanted something, he would switch to mommy.

Another thing, if he doesn't say mamu, he is likely to say "mommy gemuk kan?" or "mommy gemuk". It started quite a while ago, some time last week. At first I said "no, mommy is not fat" and pointed to the dad instead but somehow my response intensified his "mommy gemuk" phrase. So when he is in "mommy gemuk" mode, he'll be saying that phrase with that seemingly wicked expression and all the while laughing as if it is very funny. My response every time would be, "ya, mommy gemuk". Then he'd say, "Darien pun gemuk".

I came to a conclusion that he might be trying to compete with his younger brothers, vying for my attention. I admit that I have been spending quite a lot of time with Darien and when it is not Darien, it is Preston. When I think back, there were times that I mentioned his littlest brother's name as a reason for not being able to do something or for having to hold for doing something. I have been meaning to have a mommy-and-Jayden outing or do some stuffs together just the two of us. I have even been planning to bring him to the gym with me but all those plannings have not been realized yet.

Regarding the name calling, he actually has a name for each of the family member. He calls Dave "dadr", I can't remember what he calls Preston, it sounds like "klompotstik" and Darien "kompokleklien".

Polar Bear On A Desert?

2010-05-05T08:04:00.008+08:00

I seriously need a change of wardrobe. It has come to a point where the thing that makes me drag my feet to work is the limited choice of outfits to work. While other people may face a dilemma on what to wear because of the abundance of "collections", I, on the hand find myself staring at the closet and find myself wearing what I've worn last week. Well, actually that is not a problem.

I've said to Dave that there are certain codes or rules pertaining to what you wear that, like it or not, you somehow are drawn to adhere to them and that they apply mostly to the ladies. One thing that sticks to my mind is what was said to me, in that, you do not don the same attire to work on the same week EVEN if you have washed them. Somehow, it's a NO-NO. Take note though that casual wear may be excluded from this rule.

If possible, make your clothes part of a two-week cycle. Which means, you get yourself seen in the same clothes in two weeks span. Wah! Did I make it sound complicated? But of course, if your job requires you to wear uniform, then that rule doesn't apply. And then again, it depends on the type of the cloth itself. Personally though, I have no qualm about ladies wearing the same outfit twice or more on the same week.

Now, for men, they can wear the same trouser every day or that they have two trousers and wear them on alternate days, or wear their shirts two times or more in a week and people may not even notice that. For ladies, there's a high chance that they will be noticed for doing so. But is it really a fashion crime to wear the same outfit, let's say, twice a week? Who invented this rule anyway?

This is what I think. If you're creative, you can make the same outfit look different by doing some mix and match. Let's say you have a plain colored top wear and match it with a skirt. And three days later you can wear the same top wear with long pants and maybe wear some accessories. Hahaa! This self-proclaimed advice coming from me?

Well, actually the issue here is not so much on the repetition of work outfit. See the title? So, how did I end up in this situation? It is all because of wanting to reward myself with a change of wardrobe only after losing 10kgs. But I'm no where near that target. I have clothes that I can't fit into comfortably. No one can hold their breath trying to keep their tummies tucked for 9 hours, right? I did buy work clothes not too long ago but they don't fit me yet because while trying for the clothes, I was possessed by this idea that if I buy one size smaller then I would be highly motivated to lose weight. Oh silly me. And another thing, wearing black gives one a slimmer look so there again that silliness strikes. I have 4 work clothes that are black in color, no pattern on the clothes to differentiate from one to the other, just different cuttings but not that obvious of a difference. But try wearing each of the black shirts for 4 consecutive days, you will look like you are wearing the same clothes.

So what does all of these have to do with a polar bear on a desert? Well, I feel like I'm a polar bear stranded on a desert because I wear my black (nah! hitam lagi) jacket wherever I go to cover the fact that I'm wearing a work shirt that obviously do not fit me but I'm wearing it anyway. Imagine the weather on this island. While it feels like being on the oasis whenever I'm in an air-conditioned area, outside though? Man, hot! Hot! Hot!

I had soto for breakfast this morning and people could see sweat running on my face. So I said to Dave, "huh, bepeluh sia o". And he replied, "bah, ko pakai jaket kan". To which I said, "bah, mo cover kan".

Well, it is all the fault of yours truly. Sudah tau baju tidak muat, tidak juga mau beli baju yang ngam saiz. Uh-oh, it looks like I have to go out of the oasis now. Here comes polar bear...

Never gonna be alone...(Nickelback)

2010-05-04T16:28:00.005+08:00

.... you've gotta live every single day, like it's the only one. What if tomorrow never comes? ....

Credit to LOLDoran

On admitting mistakes...

2010-05-04T09:28:00.010+08:00

I find that when we think that we are right and we shut our minds against any corrections or refuse to hear any criticisms (constructive or non constructive ones) and even being adamant on it, we may not see the mistake or mistakes that we have committed. Quite often, our minds are boxed in that norm, that we fail to see what others are trying to point out. Only when we open our hearts and our minds will we see the errors of our way.

And once we have discovered our errors, there are those who may either admit them or let their prides get in the way. It could be that we're embarrassed on not seeing the mistakes before which we have insisted that we were 100% right when it wasn't that way. Or it could be our ego that hinders us from admitting our mistakes. Or maybe we are afraid of what others might say or think about us when we admit our mistakes.

But taking that step on admitting that we are wrong may earn us respects from other people. Getting respected is not that much of importance as clearing our conscience. No matter how much we try to convince other people that we were right, we cannot run away from our conscience. Because deep in our hearts we know that we were wrong. There are times when we need to stand firm on our grounds but there are also times when long explanations are unnecessary. Simply put, offer our apologies, admit our mistakes, if the mistakes are correctable do something about those mistakes and learn from them.

To err is human. While we don't use that as an excuse for every single mistake that we do, we cannot run away from the fact that we are designed to lead our lives without the undo button, therefore, we do err. Even when we try to do everything correctly, occasionally, something may slip off the track. From the times when we were cute and cuddly babies, we learn to hold, learn to crawl, learn to walk, learn to talk to the times when we were in our rebellious teens and in every step of our journey, we learn. We are designed to continuously learn. So, the best way is to learn from our mistakes.

... Figured it out, finally....

2010-04-30T15:54:00.005+08:00

Doesn't it feel so liberating when you've finally figured out something that keeps bugging your mind for days? There's this javascript that I've been trying to figure out for weeks now and I've spent LOTS of time googling over it, even looking for the tutorial and while it works on the tutorial, it didn't on this, umm let's just say a project that I'm working on. Well, it's not a project really, more of a continuation of what I have been doing but I'm doing a major renovation our website, which is now in a poor state *sigh!* as compared to other websites.

We have this guideline on what should be included in the website and I have tons of things to do in order to comply with that guideline. I have about a month to do the "renovation". Will have to present the "outcome" before making it official. I like this task. I really, really like this task. I have not even an "ounce" of creativity/creativeness in me but I find multimedia line so fascinating. It is just that I require more time and concentration that people who have creativeness running in their blood. Oh, but don't get me wrong. I'm not using that as an excuse for requiring more time.

Anyway, sometimes I cringe (on the inside, of course, people don't see that on my face) when the word webmaster is associated with my name. Somehow that inadequate feeling seems to linger in my mind. Maybe because of the expectations (that I've set upon myself) that are yet to be met. So, yeah, I'm what they call the webmaster of our portal, which, as for now, has a lot of improvements to be done. I have realized this a long time ago but just recently, it just hit me, that there's quite a huge responsibility that comes along with that title (webmaster). You have to shoulder that responsibility. After all, your conscience will point fingers at you.

The thing is that, people see you sitting in front of the PC, eyes glued to the monitor with that seemingly calm expression on your face. But what people don't see are the times when you talk to your PC as if your PC can give you the answers. Or the times when you feel like there's no gap between your left and right brows.

But like what some people say, what makes a task enjoyable is the challenge, right? Once you get through each challenge, you'll feel like "WOW!" and you'll do your task in even higher spirit.

Phew! One part is over. Now, to the next part. Getting rid of the errors. I suspect that it has something to do with either the version of the CMS or the PHP. And when this is over, there's the documentation part. But like I said, I like this task.

Chain mails....

2010-04-26T09:27:00.004+08:00

Of all the unwanted emails, chain mails or should I say, chain e-mails really get on my nerve. I received an email recently from someone whose email address I'm not familiar with and I read it because of the email subjects that says something about a miracle that happened in Lebanon. Now, what really ticks me off is that the message in the last picture says that the picture is "sacred and miraculous" and that it needs to be sent to 10 people. On top of that, it says that a man won the lottery when he received the picture and immediately sent out copies. Not only that, there was a name, "Alberto Martinez", who received the picture and gave the picture to his secretary to make copies but the secretary forgot to distribute the picture and guess what? The secretary lost her job and he lost his family. Oh, there's another one, a son of a President in one country died when the president called it a junk mail.

Maybe I'm being so sensitive. I mean, I can just brush it off just like I did with all those Congratulations!-You-are-the-winner-for-bla-bla-bla emails or those There's-this-very-rich-person-who-died-and-had-no-next-of-kin-so-i-pick-you-to-be-the-next-of-kin emails. But NO, not today. I don't even know who sent the email to me. I tried to look it (email address) up on Facebook but there was no person with that email on FB so I figured either this person doesn't have an FB account or that this person uses another email address for his or her FB account. I looked through the forwarded lists and they showed some familiar names. I am tempted to reply the email and ask if by forwarding the email, that person really believes in his or her WHOLE HEART that the picture is miraculous and would like to know if he or she has won the lottery or experiences anything life-changing as well.

Now, sharing inspirational emails to me is very much welcomed. I think that some people needs encouragement by any means more so than other people. Some inspirational or motivational emails being forwarded to us serve as reminders for us to stop for a while and ponder on the lessons brought by the stories (email) or simply as reminders for us to be grateful for whatever we have or don't have in our lives. But to send some deceitful email by inserting some element with regards to the faith? Does this person think that showing your faith means circulating the email? If so, then, well .... we just have to differ on our views on faith. My faith does not depend on that picture being circulated by me.

Well, actually what happened was that I had hit the forward button because of some unexplained reason but then I asked myself, "really?". Am I really sure that the picture is miraculous? Maybe there was that little fear that brought me to hit that forward button but then came the realization that faith has nothing to do with that. Instead of forwarding the email to other people, why don't we just say a prayer to these people? Ask the Lord to bless these people.

Talking about chain mail. Back then, I mean, years and years ago when I was in my teens, I used to get chain letters and afraid of being hit by the curses that came with the letters, I wrote them, words by words, letters (of the alphabets) by letters and NOT one copy but 5 or 6 and some even 10 copies. I suppose I was gullible when I wrote and sent the letters. Imagine writing a letter not once but 10 times. But you know, when you are presented with such letters and you are so young and almost everyone you know does that, it seems normal. Plus, you are afraid of the bad things that could happen to you if you don't "comply".

Then when I doing my tertiary education, I remember getting a chain letter by someone and that this someone also asked me to pass the letters meant for two other friends. As usual, the letter contained some bad things that could happen if you don't copy it and pass it along to other people. Don't know why this person did not want to pass the letter by this person's self (don't want to mention this person's gender). I refused to pass the letters saying straight in that person's face that I did not want to pass the letter and hoo boy, this person was reaaaaaally annoyed at me.

Hmm .... getting all worked up over some chain email.

Dengar tapi tidak mendengar...

2010-03-26T10:59:00.007+08:00

Kalau sudah namanya HELPDESK, dengar dulu baru bagi penyelesaian. Kalau baru sepatah perkataan keluar dari mulut pihak pengadu sudah yang sepatutnya mendengar tu menyampuk, tu namanya di telinga tu ada "trampoline". Apa-apa yang masuk terpantul balik. Dengar tapi tidak mendengar. Kadang-kadang orang mau bagi kronologi apa yang telah berlaku dulu sebelum bagitau apa masalah supaya orang tu faham situasi. Sebabnya memang akan ditanya juga kronologi tu. Jadi sebelum ditanya bagus bagitau dulu kan? Itulah perlunya mendengar, biar orang habis cakap dulu. Kalau terus menyampuk, ndak kah tersirap juga darah orang yang mengadu tu? Secara automatik juga tu suara pandai tinggi sikit tu nada. Sudahlah ada masalah, pigi lagi menyampuk. Nah! Jadi, biar orang habis cakap dulu.

OK, bagi contoh:-

Pemanggil merujuk kepada aduan sebelum ini dan minta penjelasan masalah. Yang menjawab cuba untuk bagi kronologi peristiwa dulu....

Yang menjawab : abcdef* rosak (nama peralatan tu kita panggil abcdef saja lah, ok)

Pemanggil tanya, siapa punya yang rosak...

Yang menjawab : *dalam hati* aii yang kamu bagi lah yang rosak. Takkan yang orang lain bagi yang kami komplen. *tapi yang dijawab* xyz punya .... (xyz merujuk kepada nama company, sebenarnya ada lagi mau dicakap tapi....)

Pemanggil : saya cek sini tidak rosak *dengan lajunya dan dalam nada yang tinggi*

Yang menjawab : *dalam hati* aii belum saya abis cakap sudah ko bercakap *tapi yang dijawab* Encik, abcdef* tu rosak ........ (sebenarnya ada sambungan lagi bah tapi ni urang ni kan laju ja menyampuk bagi tau yang peralatan tu tidak rosak)

Jadi, pihak pengadu pun dengan lajunya jawab balik (dalam keadaan darah tersirap sebab kena sampuk saja) ..."Begini abcdef* tu rosak sebelum ni dan sudah diganti ...

Pemanggil : siapa yang ganti?

Yang menjawab : *dalam hati* laaaa orang kamu lah yang ganti *tapi yang dijawab* orang yang jaga sini (tiap-tiap tempat ada yang in charge, so it was presumed that the word "jaga" was understandable)

Pemanggil tanya nama orang yang datang membuat penggantian tapi pada masa itu si pihak pengadu atau yang menjawab panggilan ini sedang menjalankan salah satu tugas hakiki dan yang tahu tentang nama orang yang datang ni adalah rakan seunit. Tapi walaupun begitu, pihak yang menjawab ni ada nampak orang yang datang tu cuma tidak tahu siapa nama diorang dan pihak yang menjawab ni juga tahu apa masalah yang dihadapi sebab tugas hakiki yang dilakukan tu hampir-hampir terjejas.... nasib ada back up. Jadi pihak pengadu pun menjelaskan keadaan bahawa pihak pengadu tidaklah pula tahu nama diorang, yang pastinya peralatan tu sudah diganti dan difahamkan bahawa konfigurasi tu dibuat secara remote dan setelah dibuat ujian tertentu didapati ada masalah yang berlaku jadi sebab itu aduan di"log".

Selepas soalan demi soalan, penjelasan demi penjelasan .... akhirnya "terima kasih, kami periksa dulu" juga yang kau cakap. Tapi cuba dilembutkan juga suara ni walaupun ada seketika tu kalau dicatat kenaikan dan penurunan tekanan darah sepanjang perbualan tu dalam jadual dan daripada jadual tu dibuat graf, boleh nampak tu gambar gunung kinabalu dalam graf.

Kalau mau cakap masalah dialek tidak juga. Bahasa yang sama cuma dialek berbeza, tapi sudah sedaya upaya orang cakap menggunakan perkataan yang boleh dimengerti dan dalam susunan ayat yang betul dan rentak yang satu-persatu.

Way to go Carlo!!

2010-03-10T08:21:00.006+08:00

Watched the Biggest Loser Asia finale last night and all I can say is WOW! WOW! WOW! ... double WOW, triple WOW, quadruple WOW *jaw dropped on the floor*. Seeing a group of inspiring people even though seeing them only on TV was a real "goosebump" moment. Their transformations... man!! I would looooooove to be in their shoes .. I mean the transformation. What I'd give to lose 11 kgs...

Arghh!! Fitness First!! Why? Why? Why don't you open up a branch in Labuan? There's a desperado here who is in great need of what you are offering.

Back to the finale. Man! The ones who were eliminated are inspiring as well, if not equally maybe even more because they had to face the real world sooner than the finalists, where temptations are just a few steps away. Big salute to Tony, Hafiz and Garry. Christine and Marilyn are gorgeous. Kevin did quite well also ... it is not impossible for him to reach to the state of Carlo's physique so long as he applies what he has learned. So King David is Asia's first Biggest Loser but to me and (I'm pretty sure) to the hearts of hundreds or maybe thousands of other people, Carlo is the winner.

I am not denying the fact that David had lost a tremendous amount of kilos and fats and and yeah he deserves to be in that number 1 spot as it had been established that the winner is the one who has the highest total percentage of weight loss. Even before the final weigh in we can clearly see who would get to be Asia's first Biggest Loser. The thing is, there are people who look at a lot of aspects and not focusing only on the end product but rather on the whole picture or process hence making their own judgments on who the real winner is in their eyes.

When it comes to battling the bulges, you have yourself to battle against. There is only one spot for the NUMERO UNO but it doesn't mean that there is only one winner. They are all winners. But Carlo sits at the top of my list *big smile*.

They say pictures worth a thousand explanations. Enough said.

Credits to www.budiey.com

Here's David's before...

Here's after...

And Carlo .... Before

After....

Counting calories ...

2010-03-03T08:21:00.012+08:00

I am so inspired by the transformations of The Biggest Loser Asia contestants and of all the contestants, Carlo inspires me the most.

He went from this (left)..............

To this....

Pictures taken from www.biggestloserasia.com

SEE? Now tell me if that is not an inspiration...a live inspiration.

And it is not even the grand finale yet. Watched the final elimination last night, can't wait for the finale. I am, of course, rooting for Carlo. Also highly anticipating to see the new looks of the eliminated contestants. Felt like being injected with motivation to achieve my ideal weight.

So today I woke up with a renewed determination to change what I can change today (fuhh tu semangat mahal tu) and I'm taking one step further to reach that golden number ... 53kg. Hence the change of menu for breakfast. I shall start the change with my breakfast first. Wouldn't want to get my system into a state of shock hehehe. Owh, and I've got to think of Darien also.

So, TADAAA ... my breakfast.

Two packets of cereal (oat) drink, oat biscuits, weetameal (Jacobs) and my multi-vits. Quite filling I should say. Hope it lasts till lunch time.

And my usual menu for breakfast? If I'm eating at our canteen I would get myself fried mee hoon or fried mee with fried chicken wing and iced tea. I would usually "tapau" some kueh mueh and believe me, after having the fried mee or mee hoon, I could still stuff myself with those kueh mueh. Talk about eating heartily. When I say I can eat a lot, I can really eat a hell of a lot of foods. And if I'm eating outside (of the office area) God knows ... I would get myself whatever my heart, or shall I say, my stomach desires and worry about the calories later.

Then at times when the tide of guilt comes crashing to the shore, regret washes ashore and you start to wish that you hadn't eaten those extra calories.

Using the BMI calculator at www.biggestloserasia.com, my BMI is 26.6 which means I'm overweight and it says that my first goal is to lose 10% of my weight now in which I need to shed off 6kg. And it also says that my long term goal is to reach the healthy weight range which is 55kg of which 44kg is the lightest I can go for to be in the healthy weight range. 44kg? When was I in that weight? Let's see...in Form 1 maybe. I've been trying to reach 49kg ever since I got out of secondary school and the lightest I could get was 52kg.

Whenever I see someone slim passes by I'd say "wah, punya syiok kalau sia bule kurus macam tu" and just this morning when we sent Jayden to school, I saw a nicely shaped mom (well, presumably the mother of the boy) sending her kid to the school and I said to Dave, "wah bagus oh kalau sia bule macam tu" and Dave went on saying, "ko macam si Darien bah" and I went on asking, "si Darien macam mana?" and he replied, "tebal".

REALITY CHECK. Yeah, I take after my mom's and some of my relatives' body shape. Somehow we are "designed" in such a way that our rib cages protrude a bit (or maybe only my rib cage is that way), hence that design makes us look "thicker" when seen on the side ... owhh I can't quite explain it. Maybe some pictures can be self explanatory but NO WAY will I show the (full body) pictures of my current state. Anyway, even if I am already in the healthy weight range, say 53kg, others in that weight and in my height would have looked slim but people won't see that slimness on me because of the design. And one more thing, I have to consider the body frame. I'm medium built ... some people say "besar tulang". So if I reach 44kg and healthy at the same time, I would look really, really gaunt. Talking about body shape and frame, not to say that I'm ungrateful of the way I have been "designed" though. We all come in different shapes and color.

I do wonder though, of how it feels like having flat abs. Maybe a six-pack, NOT the 5%-alcohol-content kind of 6-pack. Whoaaa there...terlebih sudah kalau ada 6-pack. I am also trying to get Dave to get inspired by dragging him along to watch the Biggest Loser Asia, hoping that maybe the show sparks some motivation in him. We both have to lose weight. I need to get rid of 11kg but if I get 6kg lighter this year, I'll be happy as a clam. For Dave, I have no idea how much he has to shed off. So mysterious when it comes to his weight. Bukan perempuan saja yang tapuk berat badan ni. I think I should take the step and let him get inspired by me HAHA!

But the fact that we have no helper at home proves to be some kind of a hindrance in order for us both to reach our ideal weight. Not giving excuses, merely reasoning and analysing. You know, in the morning, you can be in a euphoric state, all motivated, full of energy, then you send your kids to the babysitter's house and to the school, you go to the office ... you work, work, work then it's time to go home ... fetch the kid at school and two more from the baby sitter. At each step of the trip, your motivation level gets diminished. By the time you reach home you have dinner preparations to think about...your kids wanting attentions plus some other house works. The ideal time to hit the gym is when the kids are asleep but that is like 1 a.m. Unless you can tweak your body clock or that you have the super hero gene, you'll have to just be content with changing your diet first.

Maybe, just maybe, if I am still up to it, I'll take Jayden and Preston for a walk at the sports complex in support of this year's health campaign which is the "10,000 steps" or "sepuluh ribu langkah" in Malay. And that is taking 10,000 steps a day in case you're wondering. Back to exercising with the kids issue. Jayden is easier to manage. Preston is a whole different story. He'll be two this April but we still don't understand his babbling. There's one phrase that he always say which is "ta pe ti, ta pe ta". I can't figure that out.

Anyway, with regards to all those matters that pose as obstacles, blocking you from achieving your goal. The truth of the matter is that if you really want it, like really, really, absolutely WANT it, you'll figure out how to juggle those matters. It all comes down to you.

So anyway, good luck to me.

So it has begun...again

2010-03-01T08:30:00.003+08:00

Last year I said that the (season 8) American Idol was much, much better than the previous seasons, contestants wise but I think this year is even better. And of course, in every season I have my favorite(s). Last year it was Adam Lambert and the season before was David Archuleta. And this year I am rooting for .....

.....................this guy ... Aaron Kelly .................

photo source

He's 16, he has a great voice and he sings country song and I'm a country song nut. If I can sing country, I would've sung country songs whenever I have the chance. Unfortunately, my singing might only darken the clouds and summon the rain .... so my singing will have to be confined just in the bathroom.

Here's Aaron Kelly during the audition.

Credit to monkeyfuz.

Here's Aaron during the Top 24 week with his rendition of Here Comes Goodbye.

Credit to AmericanxxxxIDOL

Who I was in my past life....

2010-02-22T09:39:00.002+08:00

Saw Paival's entry on this one and decided to give it a try and it says .....
.
.
.
.

Your past life diagnosis:

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern North New Zealand around the year 1325.

Your profession was that of a banker, usurer, moneylender or judge.

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:

As a natural talent in psychology, you knew how to use your opportunities. Cold-blooded and calm in any situation. (wow! COLD-BLOODED man!)

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:

Your task is to learn, to love and to trust the universe. You are bound to think, study, reflect, and to develop inner wisdom.

Do you remember now?

Give it a try here ...

Biggest ... loser?

2010-02-21T20:27:00.003+08:00

I must have been watching TOO MUCH of The Biggest Loser Asia and the US version that somehow Jayden associates the word "biggest" with "loser".

Last night Dave was checking Jayden's books and explaining to him what the instructions for the exercises were in his books. One of the instructions was to find the biggest fruit so Dave read the whole instruction and went on, "circle the biggest fruit" then almost immediately, Jayden uttered in a very innocent tone, "loser?". Wahahahahahaha!

And there on it just dawned on me that I must have also been talking TOO much about The Biggest Loser show.

Seriously, the latest episode of The Biggest Loser Asia has been aired several times and I just never get tired of watching that same episode.

Piccies..

2010-02-20T03:03:00.001+08:00

... weird ...

2010-02-20T02:45:00.005+08:00

OK, this is crazy. It is 2.44 am and I'm still wide awake. Dave is also wide awake and he's watching TV right now. We both heard the sound of the bathroom door being closed. At first I thought nothing of it but when Dave asked what the sound was, my mind started to think of ... well, what else to think of but "that thing" at this hour. I find it weird to hear the sound of the bathroom door being closed when it was already closed. Dave said he has been hearing the same sound around this time (because he sleeps late) for a few days now. Wonder if there's a scientific or maybe logical explanation for the sound we heard. I'm curious to know what the sound was. Errrr ... on second thought ... I don't really want to know. I hate this ... I don't like this "mystery". I hate that this kind of thing happens because it will make me jumpy. Much as I like staying here, I really can't wait to move out of this house. But what if the new place is even worse?

Owhh I didn't know that...

2010-02-09T16:53:00.002+08:00

I was reading a forum on breastfeeding matters and I just knew that there ARE baby friendly shopping complexes, in KL, that is. Wow! Didn't know that.

just can't sit still with this song...

2010-02-09T08:06:00.003+08:00

I have noticed that my dad, Jayden and I have one thing in common and that is we tend to listen to the songs we like over and over and over ..... or until other people say that they will vomit if we play the song again. The one person who is always ticked with our tendency to overly repeating the song we like is my mom. Can't blame her though HA HA HA imagine yourself in a car trip and having to listen to ONE song for hours.

This is what I'm into right now...I mean the song has been playing in my head over and over and I just can't sit still. Very catchy tune. Going to make it my ring tone.

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot
In the sky
Just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign
And synchronize in time
It's a joke
Nobody knows
They've got a ticket to that show
Yeah

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

Just enjoy the show

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I dont know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

dum de dum
dudum de dum

Just enjoy the show

dum de dum
dudum de dum

Just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

... sakit kepalaaaaaaaa...

2010-02-05T15:55:00.003+08:00

Aaargggghhhh!!! Sakit kepala sia. Tidak tahaaaaaaaaaan!! Di sebelah atas kanan kepala berdenyut-denyut. Di belakang kepala pun sakiiiiiiit. Bergelen-gelen air sudah sia minum....masih sakit kepala. Tekak pun kering. Kena panas berapa minit saja sudah sakit kepala. Panadol..oh panadol..cepatlah kasi hilang ni sakit ni huhuuuu.

Fat rice oh fat rice...

2010-02-05T08:45:00.003+08:00

I shouldn't have eaten nasi lemak for breakfast and for a lot of reasons. But why oh why did I ignore the little voice pleading for me not to eat nasi lemak? I've had nasi lemak for breakfast yesterday and this morning. I wanted to eat soto but when I heard Dave ordered nasi lemak, I changed my mind. Now I'm so sleepy... boleh terpancing-pancing lagi kepala time klik klik tu mouse. How do I hide my sleepiness? Maybe if I put my palm on my forehead, move my fingers on the temple, then people may think that I'm having a headache and that I'm just doing something to ease the headache.

.. gotta be honest with yourself ...

2010-02-04T08:07:00.006+08:00

You've got to be honest with yourself. Ask yourself if you really deserve it. Listen to what your heart says. You may say, "oh, I don't know, but to say that I don't may seem weird". Well, your conscience knows the answer. If your conscience says, "yes you've earned it" then go ahead, be happy about it. But if your conscience says otherwise, then do not be ashamed to admit it. You won't lose anything but your conscience is free and you'll have a good night sleep and do better next time. Well, maybe your ego is bruised a little but hey, it's only temporary. What is more important? Having a bruised ego (that is if you're concerned about your ego) or not having your yourself haunted by your conscience?

The "funny" thing about our conscience is that despite trying very hard and maybe successful to convince ourselves of something that we are not and no matter how hard we try to believe in the thing that we are not, our conscience is there to remind us that we can lie to others but we cannot lie to ourselves. It keeps knocking on your head and I suppose one has to have a heart made of stone and have brick walls surrounding one's mind against the knocking, in order to shut oneself from the inner voice.

So, if you wish to be free (your mind that is), examine yourself and do the right thing. You may fear that by admitting that you don't deserve it, you're exposing your flawed side but whether you admit it or not, people are going to see it anyway. Despite what you fear, your admission that you have not done your best does not make you look bad. As much as you want it, you may have to let it go. And if you let go, you may learn more and be a better person and your mind wouldn't be clouded with guilt.

Wake up call....

2010-02-03T10:35:00.001+08:00

Denials.

Sometimes we see the truth but we choose not to believe in what we see. Opting to believe in what we thought we are seeing. And at times we do realize the truth of what we have seen but we choose to give lots of other reasons, sometimes finding faults at the "mirror".

I just realize that I might have been in denials all these times. You know one thing about being in denial is that, it hinders you from stepping forward towards change, towards what might be your goal(s). One can lie to other people but one cannot lie to oneself. The facts that I can't slip in comfortably in my work clothes, that the buttons are about to pop off and that I have to put safety pins in between the buttons (safety pins hidden from other people's view of course) and that I have wear my jacket EVERY DAY (except for the days when I wear 'baju kurung') to hide the "incorrectly placed curves and bulges" should serve as WAKE UP CALLS for me to lose some more weight and to start realizing that the best way is to just work hard.

There are 5 mirrors in the house and naturally I like the mirror that makes my reflection look a tad "slimmer". I know what I see in the other mirrors yet I choose to believe in the one that I like even though there might be some faults with it, yet I try to reason out that the rest of the mirrors might just be the "faulty ones". See? Denial!

And the weighing scale. For some crazy reason, I thought I have lost some weight in the these three weeks since I got back from KK. I thought to myself, weeeeeeeell, I am breastfeeding so I might have lose some weight but the weighing scale at home might have been faulty that it doesn't show any difference from the weighing scale in KK. It even came to a point where I was getting mad at the weighing scale. Poor weighing scale....got blamed for the owner's refusal to accept the number shown on the scale. Adakah mo kasi salah tu timbangan?

So I use Jayden's weight for comparison. His weight three weeks ago (in KK) was 25 kg and when I weighed him at home, his weight was close to 28kg. My weight remains the same. To make me feel better, I made a conclusion that there's something wrong with the scale and that Jayden's weight must be 25kg, which means that I am 3kgs lighter. I should say 'yaaaaaay!!', right? But I had to sms my mom to confirm if her the scale shows the correct weight. And awww mom, you had to burst my bubbles. She simply said that Jayden gained weight. Adidiiiih! Ermmm but what if ...... the scale is really faulty? Hmmm.....

So now that I had pinched myself out of the denial state, one thing left to do is to just work hard to shed off those extra kg's. I was watching one of Oprah's show that had Bob Greene as her guest and I find it so amusing when she related her 'wake up call' story. She said something about her was walking alongside a mirrored building and she saw reflection of a (quoting her words) 'fat lady following her'. It turned out that the fat lady that she thought was following her was actually herself. It reminds me of the many times I got shocked of seeing my own reflection.
Hahaha!

I've got to work real hard if I want to wear M size clothes. Selama ni perasan mo cuba baju saiz M. Tau-tau jadi macam incredible hulk bila cuba baju saiz M. Deiii!! Nasib ndak pi cuba saiz S. Haisssh!

Just because....

2010-02-02T15:29:00.000+08:00

I feel slimmer and I thought I look a bit "smaller" than last month, it doesn't mean that I am what I think I am, right?

Fuhhh! Malasnya memikirkan kerja keras yang perlu dibuat untuk kasi kurus badan ni. Apa urang bilang...no pain, no gain? Teda masa tu bukan alasan, kan? kan? kan?

Tapi kalau teda jaga anak tu sebab yang kukuh juga tu. Emmm .... tapi ada basikal 'exercise' di rumah kan? Masalahnya baru mo duduk di basikal ada sudah yang minta 'tap', camana di gia tu? Kalau pigi gym, pengsan si kawan mo jaga 3 hero kicik pujaan hati.

Jadi kesimpulannya, tu cermin tipu lah kali tu ah? Yang tuan punya diri pun perasan juga kali ah...

We're not alone...

2010-02-02T10:20:00.002+08:00

Got this one emailed to me. And yeah...at times, we don't have to see it to believe it.

Cherokee Legend

Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth's rite of Passage?

His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him an leaves him alone... He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun shine through it.. He cannot cry out for help to anyone.

Once he survives the night, he is a MAN.

He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own. The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear all kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely be all around him. Maybe even some human might do him harm. The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could become a man! Finally, after a horrific night the sun appeared and he removed his blindfold.

It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the stump next to him. He had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.

We, too, are never alone.

Even when we don't know it, God is watching over us, Sitting on the stump beside us.

When trouble comes, all we have to do is reach out to Him.

If you liked this story, pass it on.
If not, you took off your blindfold before dawn.

Moral of the story:

Just because you can't see God, Doesn't mean He is not there."For we walk by faith, not by sight."

I did it again....

2010-02-02T08:10:00.003+08:00

I can't remember where I read it but it says that having oat in one's diet can help increase breast milk supply. Anyway, drinking oat at least once a day is part of my routine now. Something happened to me in the office that has happened to me last week. Well, the hot water at home is "drinkable" the moment my oat drink is ready, I mean I don't have to wait longer for it to cool off and I must have been so used to the flask at home that I carried my habit to the office.

So this morning, without thinking, I made my oat drink, pop my vitamins in my mouth and took the glassful of oat drink and proceeded to gulp down my vitamins and no sooner I felt as if my tongue was burnt. Same thing happened just last week. I guess I forgot to switch from being-at-home mode to being-in-the-office mode. Did I mention that I am even more forgetful lately. It's bad enough that I am a person who requires to be reminded of a certain things (some requiring more than three reminders), now my memory span is getting shorter and shorter.

I need a maid...

2010-01-29T09:42:00.002+08:00

I'm so tired and sleepy almost all the time. My brain functions very, very slow. At times I find it hard to focus and all I want is to get a good night sleep or at least have an uninterrupted nap so that I can wake up feeling fresh and rejuvenated. Would be nice to go to a spa, get a massage and facial. I think I have aged tremendously in these two months that I feel I'm 10 years (or maybe more than that) older. Bottom line is I NEED A MAID. And finding one in here is something of a rarity. One is lucky if one can get a maid here. Or maybe we haven't tried enough.

..so many choices .. and yet...

2010-01-26T14:41:00.007+08:00

I thought shopping makes me go "haywire" .... but now online shopping or shall I say, online "window" shopping makes me go nuts. So many items to choose from, so many designs that serve to entice even the thrifty. Way, way back, I wasn't a fan on online shopping for a lot of reasons, one being the security of the transactions. I was thinking, what if some third party captured the confidential information and used the information later for their own purposes. I could give a whole list of reasons.

But during my maternity leave recently, I've been browsing a lot of online shops mainly for nursing wears. First off, going out for window shopping was an almost impossible task with 3 kids tagging along and secondly, I don't think there are outlets that sell nursing wears .... or maybe there are quite a number of shops for nursing mamas but it was just that I was so shut off from the outside world (outside of the house, that is) that I didn't even notice the existence of such shops. For maternity wears, yeah, they're available even at the supermarkets but nursing wears? It'll take me days to find out.

So the solution? Online ~~shopping~~ browsing it is.

So, what's with the nursing wears? Before I had kids, I used to see mothers nurse their babies/kids at public or open places and I saw some mothers got "exposed". Not that there's anything wrong with it. For me, it's natural to breastfeed your child anywhere and that if you may have to be "exposed" a bit, not purposely but sometimes you have no choice, that too is normal for me. But of course, when nursing in public, as much as possible, we don't want to invite stares from other passers by. I read a mother's blog recently and she was relating another nursing mother's experience in which the mother was nursing in a public place and was asked to leave. Well something like. She mentioned that some people deem it as an offense for a mother to nurse in public (emmmm....an offense?!!!). There are gazillions of other offenses in public but nursing in public?

There was one time (that once in a blue moon time as I call it) I went shopping and Darien wanted his milk. My mom asked to just sit at the bench near the shoes area but I went to the changing room instead and nursed him there. Well, there's baby-friendly hospitals. It would be nice if there are baby-friendly shopping complexes. Oh how nice it is if there's a room for moms to breastfeed their kids. Oh well...

So that was what led me to browse the online store for nursing wears and I never thought that there are a whole lot of designs out there, just waiting for shoppers to click on the add-to-cart button. And gosh each designs ....*gulp*. Some are ridiculously priced. At least in my eyes. Then there's the shipping cost. Well, I don't get to feel the materials in my hands so for me the prices don't match the goods' quality. Or maybe I am unfamiliar with the brands. What do I know about nursing wears brands? But as one looks closely and looks even more frequently at the items, one can almost hear the items whispering "buy me, click the button, buy me, click the button". Hahaa ... if you hear that, you may have gone bonkers already.

Anyway, I am so hooked on online "browsing" and if it wasn't for the constraint budget, I would've gone crazy and click the add-to-cart, add-to-cart, add-to-cart .... until a hundred clicks later ... someone may faint at the sight of the credit card statements. Well, there are online shops that ask the buyer make payments by direct deposit or bank transfers. That would at least ensure that you are spending within your budget, provided you have extra money after you have paid the bills and put aside some portions for the household's needs.

I have been bookmarking these online shops and browsing them over and over again. See, this is one of the good things about online browsing. Unlike the conventional way, people don't really notice you. I mean, imagine going to the same store several times a day WITHOUT actually buying anything. Well, yeah, sure you can't get to try the items like the conventional way. I guess that's a bummer. But hey, you would "raise" the salesperson's eyebrow if your face show up every day, several times a day but you're not buying anything.

Arghhh! So many choices ... yet so limited funds. Wouldn't it be nice if there's a shopping contest whereby the contestants are given RM5000 and they have to use all the money to shop online and within a certain specified time. And the fastest shopper not only gets to keep the items purchased but also be rewarded with ... guess what? A discount card that entitles the winner to a more than 50% discount on online shopping and also more moolahs for the winner to shop. Yeah, and then the snow falls on the equator. In my dream maybe.

*sigh*

... frustrating ....

2010-01-25T21:13:00.005+08:00

It is so frustrating when a person who is supposed to be a pillar of strength to someone, who is supposed to support that someone on a matter that holds a deep meaning to that someone, something that that someone holds very dearly and needs a lot of support from those close to him/her and yet this person's act shows that he/she is waiting for that someone to give up on his/her goal. And to give lame excuses ... uhh puhleeeeeze. Sometimes one can't help but to just gape, tongue-tied at that person's ridiculous excuses. Makes you wonder if some people's brains can indeed be found under their kneecaps.

Back to work ....

2010-01-25T08:29:00.003+08:00

I was supposed to go back to work last Wednesday but I decided to take another 3 days leave. Felt like 2 months is not enough. I was feeling so guilty and so miserable last week just thinking of leaving Darien that I even wanted to take a month of unpaid leave. I'm a civil servant and there is this secular which says that a mother who has just delivered a baby (or babies) can take up to 5 years of unpaid leave to take care of her baby (or babies) and the 5 years can be taken at one time or a portion of that time. So if a mother takes up the 5 years at once, the next time she delivers her baby, she could not use that leave anymore.

I don't know what got into me last week, every time I looked at Darien while breastfeeding him, I couldn't bear the thought of separating from him. I wanted to take the unpaid leave but changed my mind. I was feeling even more guilty as though I was putting money before him and I voiced it out to Dave. My reason to take the unpaid leave was so that I could breastfeed him for another month. When I had Preston in 2008, he was on full breastfeeding for 2 months only and I wasn't confident that I could exclusively breastfeed Darien when I start working. All I wanted was that I could give him breast milk for at least 6 months but deep in my heart I want it to extend to over a year. Lots of mothers have done that. Now, why can't I?

It was because of a problem I was having that led me to the Klinik Kesihatan Ibu dan Anak and I went to see a colleague, a head nurse ... well, since we are under the same roof, I mean we are in the same "jabatan" (department), I guess the word colleague is not wrong. Anyway, she is involved in breastfeeding promotions. So I told her of my intention and she gave me advice, asked me to read a book on breastfeeding and gave me a list of foods that aid in increasing milk supply. See, this is one of the perks of working in the health department. I guess what I need was support and by talking to her and understanding a bit more about breastfeeding, I feel my confidence surging and that day I started pumping breast milk.

According to the book I read, I should have started pumping by the second week after the delivery. Felt like knocking myself on the head (helloooooo.....) and my confidence plummeted to the ground *kaboosh!!!* . But reading other mothers' testimonies and experience had me gain my confidence back. It's not easy but it is not impossible. I gotta tell though...when I say it is not easy, it really is challenging. My confidence level is "yo-yo'ing" since last week. But I'm doing what I can do within my ability to do it and doing my best.

I am doing one step at a time. Tackling any problems (that could hinder me from giving exclusive breast milk) one day at a time. Someone said to me that when we are too engrossed in our work, it could affect milk supply. I'm not saying that we shouldn't focus on our work but maybe try not to let stress gets in the way. So for now I'm "tuning" myself from on leave mode to work mode.

Managed to pump twice today during office hours. I suppose, it is an improvement because just last week I couldn't even imagine getting even 4 oz of milk and guess what, I got more than that amount today. And thank you, Lord for supplying with me strength (at heart) and for your grace.

I am trying to stay positive and stay strong (at heart). It's past office hours and I guess I cross off today and mark it as a day 1 of my breastfeeding successful day.

It wasn't me...

2009-12-27T00:52:00.001+08:00

Arrghh!!! A lot of people must be really pissed off with me. I just found out that my hotmail account had sent an email on Christmas day with the subject "hello..." to EVERYONE in my contact list. If anyone who reads this happened to receive the email, just to let you know that it wasn't me who sent the email. Do not open the email. Just delete it.

..... it's just around the corner ......

2009-12-18T18:00:00.001+08:00

Ever have that feeling that you'd so much wish to pour out what's bottled up inside but you're just tongue tied or in blogging case, your fingers just couldn't find the right keys to "knock on"? Ever find yourself being hit with a sudden realization that you're no longer what you used to be, that you're not the same you, how time changes your world and how you've missed something and as in any one way ticket journey, you just can't pick up what you've left behind. I guess there is the Grinch in the hearts of some of us and like the Grinch, there is the reason for the coldness in our hearts. Perhaps we need to find that something, be it the lost "spirit" or whatever it is... to melt the coldness away...

"Where Are You Christmas"

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love

Jalan raya toyol....

2009-12-04T11:59:00.010+08:00

I've got to be crazy for posting this but I guess the world is full of mysteries and weird stories and this is probably one of it. Oh, before I go on, according to the wikipedia,

A Toyol or Tuyul is a mythical spirit in the Malay mythology of South-East Asia (notably Indonesia, Thailand, Malaysia and Singapore). It is a small child spirit invoked by a bomoh (Malay witch doctor) from a dead human foetus using black magic. It is possible to buy a toyol from such a bomoh.

A person who owns a toyol uses it mainly to steal things from other people, or to do mischief. According to a well-known superstition, if money or jewellery keeps disappearing mysteriously from your house, a toyol might be responsible. One way to ward off a toyol is to place some needles under your money, for toyols are afraid of being hurt by needles.

......

People normally associate the appearance of a toyol with that of a small baby, frequently that of a newly born baby walking in nakedness with a big head, small hands, clouded eyes and usually greyed skin. More accurately, it resembles a goblin. It can be seen by the naked eye without the use of magic, though they are unlikely to be spotted casually.

Got an sms from my mom saying that a friend of my dad's says that apparently our house in Keningau is a road or like a pathway for the "toyol". According to him (my dad's friend), a lot of these ("toyol") pass by or I guess, pass through our house and stop by our house (for cover I suppose) when it rains. So picture this, a pathway for these beings and our house stands in the way of their road or probably a good thing for "them" since they can take cover during the rain.

These so called toyols have defied the real definition of toyol because according to the wikipedia, toyols are supposed to steal something or maybe there wasn't anything to steal at, not that we want to *palis jauh-jauh*. Or maybe this is some kind of a length impaired ghost, a different "species" from the original toyol. Gila ni, adakah begitu?

Imagine being alone in the house during a heavy rain and it's at night some more, with you seated comfortably on the sofa, sipping a cup of coffee and suddenly you hear noises and as you turn your head towards the origin of the sounds, you see these tiny beings walking around. CREEPY! *goosebumps* If I for some crazy reason bump into one of these or a bunch of these, I don't know which one is scarier, they staring at me or they waving to me *touch wood, touch wood, touch wood a gazillion times, please let me never bump into these*. Sounds crazy, isn't it?

Speaking of toyol, I actually had one unforgettable experience when I was 11. I was asleep and suddenly awaken by something and I saw a little boy of about 3 to 5 years of age jumping on the bed and when I tried to get up, the boy jumped from the bed to the floor but get this, there was no sound that proved that someone or something had hit the floor and the boy just vanished. Just like that. It couldn't be a human and I was definitely not dreaming that time. I think two of my uncles had seen this "boy". If I remember correctly, one of my uncles had his arm pulled by a hairy handed "something" .... or was it just a story, I don't know.

Oh, by the way, my mom said that my sister-in-law saw a toyol at the stairs. Well, my brother and his wife and kids went to Keningau recently and stayed at the house. Probably one of those seeking shelter during the rain. *yikes*

On another note, I can't shake off what my aunt (mom's sister) informed my brother regarding her stay at my rented house here in Labuan. She and my uncle (her husband) stayed
at my place after accompanying my cousin for her registration at UMS KAL. She woke up at around 4 a.m. to take a shower (awal juga dia bangun) and she said she saw Dave and I watching tv in the living room. She did ask me something in the morning but I forgot what it was she asked. I just knew this story from my brother. So I sms'ed her and told her that I didn't wake up that early and didn't even go to the living room. And I said to her, those that she saw were probably some ghosts but she insisted that they were us and said that they even waved at her. In the first place, if I'm having a sleepless night, I would rather stare at the ceiling in the bedroom than move away from the room unless it's answering an urgent call (nature call). And no way am I brave enough to sit in the living room (yang panas itu). As I recall, I was in deep sleep that time, dibuai mimpi gitu.

Interestingly, another aunt who have stayed with me for two weeks said that not even once she experienced or saw anything strange here. Membantah sekeras-kerasnya gitu. So? Explanations? My mom said that some people can see or hear or experience the paranormal and put them anywhere, they bound to see or hear or experience something.

Incidentally, my cousins and aunts believe that there is this "being" staying at my grandma's place and they even have a name for "her" which I'll give the short name only which is Sun or Soon. My aunt (who claimed to have seen us at 4am watching tv) had seen "her" tapi lucu betul cara dia cerita sampai terbahak-bahak sia ketawa. She said that she went outside grandma's house and saw "her" and Miss Sun probably was shocked to see my aunt much as my aunt was shocked to see her that Miss Sun gaped, opened her mouth wide, so wide that the mouth took the shape of the head, I mean, the mouth as big as the head. But the way my aunt related the story made me laugh, I almost got a stomach cramp. My cousin who is studying at UMS KAL had seen "her". I don't know who else, but yours truly had actually seen this Miss Sun on Christmas eve, forgot which year it was, 2001 or 2002 or 2003. Everyone was busy getting ready to go to church for Christmas eve mass, I was already outside the house and then I saw this lady walking lenggang kangkung. I was curious to know who it was and I entered the house, walked towards where the lady had gone to and nothing but walls and some non-living stuffs greeted me. How's that? I think I told my mom's youngest sister about it and so then only I knew about Sun's "existence".

Oh by the way, I'm a bit sceptical about "jalan raya toyol" thingy. I mean I'm not saying that these "beings" don't exist, I'm just saying that it's a bit hard to swallow the "fact" (if it is a fact in the first place). Popo, jan marah, senyum selalu. Susah betul mo percaya but I don't want to see any proofs *touch wood infinity*. If by any chance my dad's friend stumbles upon this entry, which is a one in a trillion chance anyway, I never mention your name and I never mean to belittle you.

The rose - a beautiful song

2009-12-04T11:49:00.003+08:00

Liked this song the moment I heard it. Originally sung by Bette Midler and here's her singing it.

And here's Westlife's rendition of the song....love it, I just love it.

Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.

Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love it is a flower,
And you it`s only seed.

It`s the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance,
It`s the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It`s the one who won`t be taken,
Who can not seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin`
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong.
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow,
Lies the seed that with the sun`s love
In the spring becomes a rose.

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow,
Lies the seed that with the sun`s love
In the spring becomes a rose.

Some say love it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love it is a flower,
And you it`s only seed.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong.
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow,
Lies the seed that with the sun`s love
In the spring becomes a rose.

Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow,
Lies the seed that with the sun`s love
In the spring becomes a rose.

Welcoming Darien....

2009-11-25T19:47:00.006+08:00

Here's the new member of the family...Darien...

Born on 21 November 2009 at 4.10 a.m. weighing 3.65kg at birth.

My expected due date was on November 18, 2009 so I was expecting his "arrival" a day before because both Jayden and Preston made their debut a day earlier than the expected due date.

On my second last visit to my gynae, which was a week before my expected due date, I was informed that he wouldn't be around until November 17th and I was worried already, not that there weren't any other doctors around but I am so used to having the same doctor. Came November 17th, no labor sign. On the next appointment, which was on Nov 18th my doctor asked "no labor sign yet?" but proceeded to say that as long as baby is active, I shouldn't be worried.

So I had been washing my hair twice a day just in case. I did wonder what baby was waiting for but now that I think about it, I had actually set it in my mind to have Dave with me in the labor room and I remember saying to my mom, "saya tidak mau beranak kalau tiada si Dave sama-sama". So I figured, baby must have been waiting for daddy. I had contractions on Thursday evening, 5 to 7 minutes apart and had asked Dave standby for the 9.50pm flight to Labuan. I didn't know that there was no longer flight for the 9.50pm and upon knowing it the contractions just stopped.

Came friday evening, the contractions started again but the pain was not intense so I wasn't sure if I was on labor. Dave came from Labuan around 8pm. I had craving for dumplings so we went to "tapau" the dumplings. Contractions were 5 to 7 minutes apart. By 9pm I was so sleepy and despite the contractions, I could still stand the pain without grimacing so I went on sleeping. Woke up around 11pm and even played the new game Westward 4. Checked my bag for the last time. Stayed up until 1.30 pm. By 1.40 pm the pain became even more intensed. Woke Dave and asked him to get ready. Woke mom to inform that I would be going to the ward.

Arrived at the ward at close to 2 am.

By 2.40 a.m. the nurse informed that "bukaan" was already 4cm. The nurse said that usually, it would be 1 cm "bukaan" for every hour so if that happened, I would deliver the baby by 8 a.m. Dave said that maybe I would deliver the baby by 5am. I said to myself that I was going to get the baby see the world by 4.30 a.m.

By this time, the contractions and the God-only-knows-grueling-pain were every 4 to 5 minutes. Couldn't even lift my mouth to even smile when Dave cracked his jokes. Nurses came from time to time to check on me and one nurse said, "kalau rasa macam mau berak kasi tau ah", to which I just nodded.

By 3.30 a.m., I couldn't stand the pain that I asked Dave to get the nurse to give me pain killer.

3.40 a.m., the nurse came and said that she has to break my water bag before I was to be given the painkiller shot. When she checked the "bukaan", it was already 7 cm and said that I would have to be wheeled to the labor room and be given the painkiller there.

I was panicking a bit because the doctor wasn't there yet. Close to 4 a.m. I couldn't hold it any longer and said "doctor, doctor, doctor". People around me seemed to move and talk in slow motion. Sempat lagi terfikir kalau ada lagi lepas ni mau c-section.

4.10 a.m., with two pushes, Jayden and Preston got a new brother. And the doctor arrived shortly after saying, "so fast ah".

Was discharged from the ward, evening the next day.

.... A note to myself ....

2009-11-05T10:00:00.006+08:00

I am one of those who need to have a list of things to do. Can't rely on my memory alone or else I'll forget certain details and if I do forget certain details, I'll have this thing that keeps nudging me saying that I am forgetting something and then my brain will go on digging what is it that I am forgetting. While others have proper diaries or journals or organizers and some even use electronic media, mine is just this A5 sized notebooks which I carry everywhere where work is concern, where I jot down everything be it planning, things to do, matters related to meetings that I attend and whatever information that I need to remember. So to date, I have 4 notebooks, one for each year that I have worked here.

I'm quite comfortable with the way I "organize" (sounds weird to associate the word organize with myself since I don't fall into the category of organized people) my work, at present, but like I mentioned before, I'd like to be more organize and if I can adopt the 5s, I'll be the happiest employee in this department. Ahh maybe "happiest" is not the right word but it'll definitely increase some level of satisfaction in me.

For now, I can't imagine losing my notebook. Arrgghh!! NO!!

I have two days left before my leave. Time to jot down everything that I should have done so that I won't left anything out. My mind is not ready to leave my work yet but the physical being is saying something else. So maybe I should do the list-do-and-cross-out thingy so that I won't feel that "nudging".

I had pain on my lower back last night ... twice. If this pregnancy is like the previous ones then the new member will make a debut some time after next week. Going back to KK tomorrow night. Got to do some last minute shopping this Saturday IF I can carry myself.

A note to myself ...... need to really get back into shape next year. MUST! Need to reach that ideal weight. MUST! If other people can do it, why can't I? MUST! Have to work hard. MUST!

The "lost" generation .......

2009-11-02T13:42:00.005+08:00

I mentioned that I am envious of my significant other's ability to quickly doze off to slumberland. Well, there's another thing that I envy him for and that is his fluency in Kadazan language. My birth certificate says that I'm of Kadazan race but I am from Tambunan so that makes me a Dusun, but my kids' birth certificates state that mother's (i.e. me) race is Dusun, a mistake on the dad's part for not noticing the detail on my birth cert and in every form that I fill, which I hope won't pose a problem when they need to fill some forms later.

I thought my eyes were about to plop out of my eye sockets when I saw Jayden's birth cert. I was (and still is) very concern on the difference between the race stated in my birth cert and the mother's race stated in his birth cert. Who knows just because of the "inconsistency" in the mother's race it would cause problems later on when they're applying for .... well, anything. His answer, upon my asking him, was that he said that I'm a Dusun so he wrote my race as a Dusun. So I said, "ko tidak tau kah dalam birth cert sia bertulis Kadazan?". Well, yeah, but my birth cert says another thing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm not a Dusun, it is just that my birth cert states that my race is Kadazan so in each form I fill, I need to follow my birth cert right? To me, Kadazan or Dusun is just the same....the dialects are of course different.

Sadly, I must admit that I am what some people may call as the "lost" generation of Dusun. I can understand the language but I am not fluent in speaking the language ... oh no, let me rephrase that, I can't speak the language without having to "stutter" or to have a long pause in between words. There I've said it. A Dusun who doesn't speak the language.

Anyway, someone who knows my mom, spoke to me in Dusun and I, of course, replied in Malay which prompted the person to ask why I replied in Malay. I then replied that we speak Malay at home. When I was growing up and up till now, the only people conversing in Dusun at home are my parents and according to my mom, I could converse in Dusun when I was a toddler. A fact that fascinates me since I have no recollection of ever being able to speak Dusun that well. It's weird and hard to believe because as far as my mind could remember, I have always conversed in Malay.

Oh! One more thing. I find it hard to read long paragraphs written in Dusun. And it's even worse that I'm dyslexic.

So what went wrong? How did I end up forgetting the language. I mean not entirely forgetting the language, I can still understand it so if people were to say bad things and thought I don't understand, hoo boy that is a major understatement. Frankly, it does embarrass me especially during family gathering where (almost) everyone speaks in Dusun and you can't just butt in. I'm not saying that not being able to converse in one's mother tongue is an embarrassment. It is just that, for me, I am embarrassed of myself particularly when people give me that questioning look. It's like you can almost see words written over their face which say, "Dusun tulen tapi ndak pandai cakap. Kalau ada campuran ndak apa juga". Urghhh!!! Can't really blame them though.

And please, don't go on judging or blaming those who can't converse in their mother tongues. There are reasons and factors contributing to that. For my kids, I wish that they can converse in Kadazan dialect which is Dave's dialect. Times and times again I asked him to speak to the kids in Kadazan. When Jayden was staying with Dave and my parents-in-law, my mom-in-law did talk to him in Kadazan and I was elated that Jayden would be able to converse in Kadazan. But then Dave and Jayden moved to Labuan to be with me and that marked the beginning of the end of Jayden's Kadazan lessons.

I do speak to the kids in Dusun sometimes. Well, not sometimes, I would say, once in a blue moon. So I'm putting the pressure on Dave. Now I'm "lowering" my expectations from wanting the kids to speak well in the dialect to at least understanding the dialect.

So how come I seem like giving up on learning to speak the dialect? You know, when you're "thrown" in a foreign land and the way to survive is to learn the language, you'll master the language faster and in no time but when you're comfortable in the way it is where no pressure is exerted upon you to master the language ... you'll go no where. I suppose it's not too late for me to master Dusun language but then maybe I am already comfortable in just understanding the language. Sounds so pessimistic, isn't it?

... 5s .....

2009-10-30T15:42:00.004+08:00

There's nothing more I want than to be organized, especially in my workplace. If there's one course that I really wish to participate, 5S is the one. If I can adopt the 5S concept then I can say that it's an achievement, something that is very satisfying and something that I can truly feel proud of. No more of those "sisip", "sepah", "semak" and instead "susun", "sisih" and so on.

I have a week left before I go for my leave. Documents in my PC needs to be reorganized in folders that my colleagues can easily look for. I have put the hard copies in files but still I feel like I have not done enough. There's this thing that is tugging at the back of my mind saying that I need to further break those hard copies into more files. Thinking about it is enough to overwhelm me. I have never been an organized person and I really look up to those who are organized. Most of the time, I just stuff matters into my mind and just how much information can one's brain take?

Next year, I need to attend courses that can help me being organized.

... offer something better lah...

2009-10-28T11:39:00.006+08:00

There's this number that keeps calling me since last week and I only answered the call today. It's a rep. from a company that offers solution for credit card holders claiming that the company can help credit card users to get the interest rate reduced to as low as 9% and she mentioned something about easy payment but I can't recall what exactly she said. The way she explained was as if she was reading from a speech text or something that she has rehearsed over and over. Terus mengantuk dengar cakapan yang macam membaca. Can't really blame her though.

I didn't want to answer the call but I figure she won't stop calling unless I answer the call. I am not interested in what the company is offering but I've got to stop the call so I just let her speak. Then it dawned on me that if someone were to cut her in the middle of her sentences and bombard her with questions, she might lose what she initially wanted to say and may repeat what she has "rehearsed". What made me say that was because she repeated what she had said when I asked her a question about the interest rate and blah blah blah...saja mau tanya, mau tau kalau dia tau pasal tu benda.

I guess not everyone knows about the RM50 government fee imposed on credit users next year because I mentioned that I'm going to cut all my credit cards by this year because of the RM50. I guess she didn't get me and she started saying, "but our company blah blah blah". When she asked if I have outstanding balance on my cards and if I pay the full outstanding balance or just the minimum 5%, I replied that I'm planning to settle those balances by this year (huhuuu cakap ja tu ... ya kah?) and I just said no to what the company was "offering".

Now that I think back at it, I do wonder what the company really is offering. Is it a balance transfer sort of thing? Or a loan in disguise? Since I had made up my mind to say "NO" I didn't bother asking more questions. It would be a waste of time for the lady answering everything when in the end all I say is NO.

Arghh!! I forgot to ask one important matter. How on earth does this company get my phone number?

By the way, why are these companies offering something that people will highly say no to? For example, the VIP card or privilege card or membership that most people like me don't really need. I got calls from reps that offer VIP card for credit card holders where you can use the VIP card when you're traveling overseas etc. Yeah "traveling" my foot. I just don't see how the cards are of help to me. Tambah hutang ada lagi lah kali. And besides, the last time I have traveled was more than a decade ago. And unless it's raining money on my rooftop, I have to put my dream (traveling) aside for a few years more .... until I can save up enough moolah to go see the world.

What I would like to hear is an offer that I can't resist. Give me a card that entitles me to a 50% discount on petrol each time I use the card. Or a card that gives me a 70% rebate on my grocery purchases. Or a card that gives 1000 points for each use even though the monetory amount spent is only RM10 and upon reaching a certain point I get free treatments at the slimming centre until I reach my ideal weight. Yup! And I'm dreaming asgain. Huhuuu...siapa mo bagi tu? Bankrap orang terus.

.... banyak lah bah pula...

2009-10-27T15:40:00.002+08:00

.... kerja mau dibuat. Ada dua minggu lagi sebelum cuti. Lepas buat senarai sampai juga satu muka surat senarai. Tu pun senarai ringkas, belum lagi senarai terperinci. Aiseyyy...

.. So heavy already ....

2009-10-26T16:14:00.005+08:00

During my recent check-up with the doctor, I was told that the baby's weight is around 2.6 kg and I have about 3 weeks more. About three weeks ago, the estimated weight was 1.9 kg (by a different doctor). I didn't bother to ask my gynae about the baby's weight that time because I had other concern that time. Both Jayden and Preston were (borrowing someone's words) three pointers, weighed above 3 kg at birth (Jayden, 3.35kg and Preston 3.4kg). This time, my tummy is even bigger than the previous pregnancies so probably there's a chance that this baby is going to be a 3-pointer as well. But the bigger tummy could also be due to the layers of fat I've accumulated since carrying Jayden which I never got to shed off.

I can barely carry myself and some people look at me with that concerned look. I was getting out of the car this morning when I had a contraction (Braxton Hicks) so I looked like I was in pain or shocked and as I "waded" towards the canteen, I must have invited some curiosity from co-workers. One time last week, I was getting up from my chair and suddenly got this contraction that made me sat back and clutched my tummy and I must have jolted a co-worker's heart.

Turning from side to side is a big problem and getting up to empty my bladder a few times at night is another problem. But so is every expecting mother at this stage. Driving? I can't recall the last time I drove even though it's an auto car. Was it last month? With Jayden, I was driving even to the one day before I delivered him. With Preston, I took more than two weeks leave before the delivery but I stopped driving even weeks (or was it months) before that. Now? If I were to drive, I would need the Knight Rider's car.

I was reading an online forum on pregnancy and labor experience and there was this part where a mother shared her experience when she was in labor and to think that with two deliveries I thought I could read her whole story, hoo boy I skipped reading the entire story. I have this motto that I am holding which is, "the less you know, the less scared you'll be".

Having gone through two deliveries, what I can say is that you don't get the same (I mean the exact) experience be it during the first, second or third trimester and even during labor. But I do know what to expect though. I was thinking about the inevitable pain and the birth options. Like people say, which one do you prefer? Before or after pain? C-section or normal? But of course, you never know what'll happen during labor. You can just hope and pray that everything goes well. As for the pain, you can't get away with it. You'll just have to endure it.

I was told that with epidural, you won't feel the pain. But I also heard that there would be pain after the delivery. I don't know. All I know is that I hope that everything goes well .... that the baby is healthy and a speedy recovery for me.

To this day I am still in awe of those mothers who have delivered more than 5, 6, 7 and some even 13, 15 babies. These are for me, super women.